Morning Seasons

I have a confession.

I've been morning seasons. 

No, not the changing of weather, but the seasons in life from our past. 

Seasons where Saturday mornings where for sleeping in, income was "disposable", and life was centered around serving. The season when our house was clean. When we were so busy with dinners, nights out with friends, and being able to just up and go just because we could.  The pre-little people season.  I'm not wishing away my kids or not beyond grateful for all these messy little faces. But there was something sweet about that season of being child free. 

The problem with day dreaming about past season is your current season begins to loss its sparkle. 

Could of, would of, should of's, choke our joys. It makes trying to count all things as joys harder. We start to compare of past season with current season. Past season that all we remember are the pretty moments, not the hard ones. Past season are beautiful because we see them through hindsight. 

I can't help but wonder, in hindsight, what will I see as beautiful in this season? What moments that take me to a break point, will be moments that I think back on with tears of joy or longing? 

It is hard for me in sleep deprivation, toddler battles, and screaming kids to count joys. It just is. I've tried counting gifts, smiling through clenched teeth while cleaning poop off the floor (sorry tmi), or telling my self its so joyfully to break up another toddler fist fight. It just doesn't stick. 

But what I can do, while my mind starts back peddling to times of silence, is remembered the answered prayers. 

Remember the prayers for children, while being told I would have none. 

The 24 hour a day prayers that my little guy would live. 

I can remember the prayers for messy houses (yes I prayed for that), and a family. 

I can joyfully count all the ways God showed up and realize this season, is a gift I begged for. 

Mommy Grace

I had the amazing opportunity to speak to a local MOPS group last week. For those who don't know, MOPS stands for Mothers Of Pre Schoolers, it's an amazing organization that meets all over the globe, yes globe. Please if your a mom of young ones, or a mom with children who have grown, check them out. (Older moms, we need you. They have an amazing Mentor Moms program.)
 
I was so excited to be speaking about Mommy Grace, accepting grace in motherhood. Its a topic that is huge for me, and something that I have had a lot of struggles in. So getting to share to this group of moms was such a blessing. But can I tell you it was hard.

Really hard.

Not only was the psychical act of getting there some what of a feat, that involved getting up early, driving my husband to work across town, then getting stuck in traffic on the way back, rushing to get everyone ready (my two hour window to get ready was suddenly less then an hour) all while remembering.....

I'm speaking on grace.
But, remembering to accept grace, while getting ready was more of a battle.

I was speaking about grace, but getting shampoo in my eyes.
I was speaking about grace, but maybe a little louder then I should, was "asking" my children to STOP TAKING OFF THEIR CLOTHES.
I was speaking about grace while I ran out the door, threw the kids in the car, and pulled out on to the street only to notice my coffee cup and ipad where still sitting on the hood of my car...

That was grace right there. Pure grace that kept that coffee cup on the hood. Because lets be honest, I would have been more devastated by losing my coffee cup.....

Mammas gotta have her coffee...

By the time we got to the church I was about 20 minutes late with a half naked four year old, a two year old that was screaming no, and 6 month old that finally fell asleep.... All I could do was laugh.


Laugh that no matter what, all day, every day I need to accept grace. The grace has already been given. Perfection was never the expectation, but we believe the lie that it is.  If we can just accept that things are not going to work out the way we would love, then life gets easier. It is easier because we let go of the control, and let God write this story. We accept the gifts He gives us, the beautifully mess, crazy life, and move on to being joyful with the late nights, early morning, and coffee stained two day old yoga pants...

Ok, maybe 3 day old yoga pants, whatever.... 

When Mother's Day Hurts

This week is always hard, and I know I'm not the only one that finds Mothers Day, painful. 

For me, it's a reminder of years ago when I discovered I was pregnant for the first time. Only to miscarry a few weeks later.

Every year, it happens the same way. I start of strong, few weeks before, knowing it will be okay. No matter what I do, Mothers Day is going to roll around and I wont know how I will react to it till it happens. Then the pit in my stomach starts to grow, I get weepy, quite, and then I hide. 

Every year all I want to do is hide. 

I want to bury my head in the sand, stick my fingers in my ears and yell "la la la la" till it is all over. 

Now, I know how incredibly blessed I am with my little people. I know how much other peoples hearts are breaking, too. That make's my heart break even more.

Mothers that morn never being able to get pregnant.

Mothers waiting for LOA's.
Mothers that gave their child the biggest gift they could by letting them go. 

Mothers who are walking into this weekend for the first time, after losing a child.

Children who are morning their Mothers. 

See this time of year, hurts a lot of us. Many of us cant express the pain that comes with this weekend. Many of us don't know where to start, fearful of not being understood, or get blind sided by the emotions that Mothers Day brings. 

There's hope. Oh there is so much hope, I'm just finding. 

The other day, a friend and I were chatting back and forth and reminded me of the verse. 

I will be the first to admit, I have STRUGGLED with this verse for years. I always read "hiding" as a negative act.

Hiding = being scared, and not going after life. Not facing things head on.

That wasn't how I wanted to live my life. I wanted freedom, and freedom doesn't come with fear. 

Neither does hiding. Hiding in Christ is safe, its letting Him fight your battles, wipe your tears, and understand the word of your heart that your mouth can't form. 

2 Corinthians say "My grace is all you need, my power works best in weakness". I can go into this weekend, hiding, and be okay this time. Not hiding in my own power, my own fears, my own pain. I can go in hiding in His Grace, His love, His power. That is more sustaining then anything I can ever do on my own.

So yes, I might cry. 

I might morn. 

Morn both of the babies we lost, morn that life doesn't look the way I expected.

But, I will hide in His grace, and wait. 

Wait to see His power, His love, and that comfort that passes all understand.

About A Boy

I broke him, my little man.  All he wanted was a mommy date.

What was suppose to be a sweet mommy and son date didn't even get off the ground before I had already opened my big mouth and crushed his little heart. All out of impatience. That little face was so excited to go out with mommy. With our lives changing at a rapid pace with a new baby, a busy schedule, and life just getting a little nutty, all my little man wanted and needed was some time with his mommy.

He is growing so quickly, with so many little quirks, that I just want to soak up every moment of his littleness. Littleness that I know wont last forever. Right now, I am his best friend, his buddy, his mommy.

I love it.
I need to remember it more often.

But by the time we bundled up and walked out to the car, I was rushing. There was only so much time before the other babies would be up from naps, a huge list of things the hubby needed to finish, and not enough time to get all the things on my list checked out. I started focusing on the busy, instead of the boy.

The boy that just wanted to check out the ants before getting in to the van.
The boy that wanted to remind me that we don't stand there.
The boy that wanted to sit in his car seat and not his brothers.
The boy that wanted to grab his airplane to ride with him.

The boy, my boy. My buddy that wanted nothing more then to just hang out with his mommy.
A mommy that forgot what she was focused on, the boy, not the list.

Mommy Lately

This week something has been pulling at me. Being a healthy mommy, not just mommy but person. 

Now when I say heathy I am not speaking about running or diet, but mentally healthy. 

A heathy soul. 

If out of your heart the mouth speaks, what does an exhausted, overly caffeinated heart speak?

Frustration?

Anger?

Busyness? 

I don't want to speak those things over my kids, my husband, or in to the lives of those around me. But how? How in a culture of over serving, littles always in need, and juggling etsy shops with dishes, how do you quite down?

Saturday, I left.

Left my family for a few hours and ran thru a few stores that I had wanted to check out, to get away.

But that wasn't a get away. 

That was just more busyness. 

More go go go...

Isn't it fun how we think we are doing something different and it's just the same thing, just with out diaper bags and strollers? 

I'm learning that stopping and resting is ok.

I'm learning that going to Starbucks to sit and hash through my thoughts over a journal and a cup of tea is not just ok but needed.

That it's not selfish of me to get by myself and feed my introverted nature. If anything it's life giving to not only my self, but for my family. 

Baby Dolls and Things

When I was little all I ever wanted was to be a mom. To have little people to take care of, teach and love on. I loved to pretend to cook dinner, rock baby dolls (or a dog) and home school.

Now...
Those things make me break out in cold sweats.
Babies don't rock to sleep easily, cooking dinner leads to burning dinner (and a lot of dishes) and home school? Really I have a two year old, home school always leads to picking crayons off the floor.
Some where between toy baby bottles with never ending milk, and 4 am feedings, I realize nothing was like I thought it would be.

Parenting, as it turns out, isn't about cute clothes and sleeping babies (a baby sleeping? Ha that's funny).
Its about humanity. Its about teaching this next generation.

Teaching them manners, respect, love, compassion, hard work, dedication, to love the Lord, and how to take a sabbath.

Teaching them how to laugh, play, not take them selves to seriously, to tithe, save, bless others,
and that they are sinning little people covered in Gods grace. That it is perfectly ok not to be perfect.

Teaching them that in the dirty, the gloomy, the hard, they find God's glory. Teaching them, life can hurt and God is always there to fix it.

Now that's parenting, not flipping a plastic egg that never breaks.

Choices (or what I call I Don't Wanna!)

I am not good at choices.
Most of the time, I make the wrong one. The ones that end up hurting the most, those roads that seem to take the long way around.

Confounding choices (image me shaking my fist at the sky, cause I did).

These are the days, the crazy parenting trenches, that my choices seem to hold much more weight then ever before. With a screaming toddler and a one year old that is always frustrated at his lack of mobility, these small choices change everything. My choices come from my priorities. My priorities are out of whack. Thus my choices, well, suck.

What are my priorities? Easy answer for a christian, it should be God, Marriage, Family, everything else. But how often do those stay in line. Not only that, but do I know/understand/ think about what each of those priorities mean? What choices have to be chosen for those priorities to stay in line? It is oh so easy to run through the list: God, Marraige, Family, etc.... and not see the weight, the amount of work, it takes for each priority to be statsified. For example, God. God is all around us, loves us, etc, but what about what I choices I need to make every day to set Him as the top of my list?
Do I read my bible daily? Nope.
Do I pray daily? Does "please God, make them stop screaming" count?
Do I stop and let Him renew me? Or do I run to my cup of coffee instead?

And I wonder why my choices aren't easy to make.

So, what to do? Glad you ask!

I'm making a list, and checking it twice. I'm challenging my self, to really look at my list, and see not just what my list is, but what does each item call for? What choices do I need to make in a day to really put the effort into each category?

Now I am by no means, saying or doing anything to be "wonder mom". More of an experiment on choices and the power my choices actually hold. So here we go!

God- I have to chose Him daily. Chose to have some form of communication with Him. Reading the bible, worshiping, praying, and maybe a little journaling.

Hubby- I have to love him and respect him. But how does he feel respected? How does he feel loved? Honestly, he loves to come home to a clean house. I'm not talking about the five min, ikea bag clean (you know when you run around shoving everything into an ikea bag before a friend comes over so your house looks super clean.) But, a good clean. He feels respected when I take care of what his hard work has provided for us.

My Kiddos- Besides the normal, changing diapers, feeding them, and making sure they aren't beating each other up (who knew boys start to wrestle at one!) They need me to guide them, teach them, help the grow into sweet loving, strong boys. That in itself takes all day.

That's a lot of things I have (should) chose to do. I'm exhausted just looking at the list, and that doesn't even include my ministry things, my business, and a shower! But it DOES make me realize how I haven't been choosing the "big things". I've been choosing the fun things. The things that make me feel accomplished, not the things I'm called to accomplished.

What about you? What would your list look like?