Dance A Little Dance

I don't write about marriage very often.
Its not because I don't think its important, I do.
Its not because ours is so perfect, cause its not.
It's not because I'm hiding something, that's just no true either.

It is simple because the Hubby isn't as transparent as I am, so my not writing about it is more of an act of respect to him. He wouldn't be mad if I did, I just think its important to do things simply as acts of respect for our spouses. With that being said, there has been this lesson, thought, action that has been bearing down on me the past few weeks that I just have to get out.

Since the weekend after Thanksgiving the Hubby has been working out of town. More specifically, New Jersey, working with the aftermath of Sandy (which people, it is still a mess up there in some parts. Continue to pray for them.) He was traveling back and for, 2 weeks up there then 3 days home for all of December and January, and half of February, thankfully he is home now!

Can I tell you, it was stinking hard! Not just him being gone, missing Christmas and New Years, oh and Valentines Day, oh me having the kids with out my partner. Those were all hard, but what was harder was connecting.

Now when he came home for the few brief days what do you think we did. You guessed it, ran around with the family. After all he was with out his sons for most of the month so why not run to the children's museum (btw ours here is great you should go if you live in Charleston!) chick fil a, the parks, beach, and all the other fun things you can do with two little boys.

What do you think we talked about, you've also guessed it. The boys, bills, all those conversations we didn't get to have were crammed into a three day period. Can you guess what we didn't do. Date night. Time by our selves, Time alone.

Yup didn't happen. So it was no wonder we got snippy. Okay I got snippy. Here I was managing everything for days and weeks on end only to have Hubby come home and help, or as I saw take over. I'm not going to lie it was hard.

It was hard letting him back in. Not in a I froze him out kind of way, but when you do from making all sorts of decisions your self back into the kind of marriage that we have, where we decide all most everything together, its a big switch in gears. Especially to turn around and switch back a few days later.

There was one trip home that was just, stressful. The boys were far from perfect (because the normally are perfe..... ha, I almost got that out with out laughing!) I was stressed with two markets to prep for, a conference to help decorate and was out of coffee, just not great time. The Hubby and I were just nipping at each other non-stop. You know what I mean? Just throwing out little jabs here and there, some half under our breath, others just full force left hooks.

So I did what all of us good southern women do, I cleaned...
Forcefully cleaned. 
Stacked the dishes as loud as I could, slammed a cabinet door as if I was trying to take it off its hinges, might have even thrown a new rag or two cross the room because it wasn't "clean" enough (in my defense I was throwing it in a laundry pile...) till finally the Hubby came in.

I was ready to pounce. I let him have it with everything my little 5'3" self had. I told him my mind, shacked my finger at him, and had my hand planted firmly on my hip.

You know what he did.
 He grabbed me by my arm, pulled me close and started to dance to the song play on Pandora.

because sometimes the only answer is to stop and slow dance in the kitchen......

I get so focused on what needs to be done that I forget to relax. I'm not spontaneous, I don't know how to kick up my heels and not have a plan. My to-do list are miles long, and I don't stop from the moment I get up, till far after my head hits the pillow. 

I have to learn to dance. 

Juggling being a wife, friend, mom, business owner, blogger, and just Tiffany can create a lot of pressure, a lot of to-dos, a lot of stress.

The funny thing, a lot of the stress is self inflected, ok most. 

My house doesn't have to be the cleanest (yes there are clean standards for general well being). 

My boys aren't always going to be dressed.

I can't turn product out in a day.

I might not get to your email till 9 pm. Or the next day depending on what my boys are doing.

I need to be okay with it.

I need to dance in it.

Time Out

I feel fidgety today, like 8 months pregnant and you cant find a comfortable way to sleep kind of fidgety. My soul is fidgety. Fidgety for something to do, something to move, anything besides this lesson. This sit still season. This season, the never ending season of sitting still. I know if I would just learn this lesson I could move on.

But I fight.
Like a toddler sitting in time out, I twist.
I turn, trying to sneak out to grab on to something, only to be sat back down.

-Sit-

I wish there was a timer.
That way I could see how much longer I had to bare through this.
This stillness..

Only to go back, back tot he stuff I have piled up waiting for me. But, that's not the point in a lesson.
The point is to move forward not back. Not to go back into business, but to make room. To cut back, let the season that need to end, pass and let God create the seasons that need to start.
Honestly I"m not good at season changes. I like my rhythms and habits. I don't like to let go.
Especially to let go, just to fall into stillness.
Stillness makes me uncomfortable. To me stillness = laziness. I know, I'm shaking my head at myself too.  I know in stillness I can find God, find refreshment, joy & purpose.

In stillness I am recharged.
In stillness I am focused.
In stillness I throw a fit.

You would think by now I would just sit still already. 

Choices (or what I call I Don't Wanna!)

I am not good at choices.
Most of the time, I make the wrong one. The ones that end up hurting the most, those roads that seem to take the long way around.

Confounding choices (image me shaking my fist at the sky, cause I did).

These are the days, the crazy parenting trenches, that my choices seem to hold much more weight then ever before. With a screaming toddler and a one year old that is always frustrated at his lack of mobility, these small choices change everything. My choices come from my priorities. My priorities are out of whack. Thus my choices, well, suck.

What are my priorities? Easy answer for a christian, it should be God, Marriage, Family, everything else. But how often do those stay in line. Not only that, but do I know/understand/ think about what each of those priorities mean? What choices have to be chosen for those priorities to stay in line? It is oh so easy to run through the list: God, Marraige, Family, etc.... and not see the weight, the amount of work, it takes for each priority to be statsified. For example, God. God is all around us, loves us, etc, but what about what I choices I need to make every day to set Him as the top of my list?
Do I read my bible daily? Nope.
Do I pray daily? Does "please God, make them stop screaming" count?
Do I stop and let Him renew me? Or do I run to my cup of coffee instead?

And I wonder why my choices aren't easy to make.

So, what to do? Glad you ask!

I'm making a list, and checking it twice. I'm challenging my self, to really look at my list, and see not just what my list is, but what does each item call for? What choices do I need to make in a day to really put the effort into each category?

Now I am by no means, saying or doing anything to be "wonder mom". More of an experiment on choices and the power my choices actually hold. So here we go!

God- I have to chose Him daily. Chose to have some form of communication with Him. Reading the bible, worshiping, praying, and maybe a little journaling.

Hubby- I have to love him and respect him. But how does he feel respected? How does he feel loved? Honestly, he loves to come home to a clean house. I'm not talking about the five min, ikea bag clean (you know when you run around shoving everything into an ikea bag before a friend comes over so your house looks super clean.) But, a good clean. He feels respected when I take care of what his hard work has provided for us.

My Kiddos- Besides the normal, changing diapers, feeding them, and making sure they aren't beating each other up (who knew boys start to wrestle at one!) They need me to guide them, teach them, help the grow into sweet loving, strong boys. That in itself takes all day.

That's a lot of things I have (should) chose to do. I'm exhausted just looking at the list, and that doesn't even include my ministry things, my business, and a shower! But it DOES make me realize how I haven't been choosing the "big things". I've been choosing the fun things. The things that make me feel accomplished, not the things I'm called to accomplished.

What about you? What would your list look like?

Holy in need of an update, batman!

Wow! This last month has been a crazy hectic free for all. Here are some of the points/highlights/ quick run down of the Pate fam!

• Moved (finally) to Charleston.
• We are full out cloth diapering. I love it and a nice long post will be coming.
• Working on kicking my etsy shop back into gear but, with maybe a new name and new stuff!
• Interning at the church. Which I am loving/stressing over daily. I love serving, learning and being stretched, but I'm serving, learning, reading, writing and being stretched. You see what I mean.
• Organizing! This is the Pate family key word right now. Organizing our house, time, life, money ect... I think I'll post about that too!
• Goal setting. Right now my big one is not just to keep up but thrive, still working that all out though!

Well, that's about it around here. I can't wait to get things rocking and better connected so everyone can see what is going on not just in our home/lives, but with us spiritually (because trust me its alot!) but, with my little shop!

<3 Tiff

Ready, Set... Wait were doing what?!

Alright, peps. Here's a Pate family round up.

Its been crazy, and I mean some one get me a straight jacket kind of crazy around here! I've tried so many times to sit down and fill everyone in but, there have been so many uncertain situations, waiting on outcomes, and Chris. See I am much more transparent with thing and Chris is a little more keep it in kind of fellow. But, I can't keep everything in anymore because I have nothing to write about! Which is think is one of the reasons I haven't been able to sleep. Every night before I go to bed I write a blog out in my head before I can even think of going to sleep, which isn't working very well.

Here's our Highlights!

• I'm pregnant!

I am so excited, and so sick! Which if anyone has ever been pregnant knows that's a really good thing. After the last miscarriage I really wanted to wait to see how the baby is doing and how I was feeling. The last pregnancy I never really was very sick, and suddenly at 8 weeks I felt great. Great as in I had a ton of energy and started losing weight. Not a good sign when your in your first trimester.



But, this time I can't keep anything down! The doctor gave me zofran to help the nausea, because I have a 17 month old and there is no way I can spend the day in the bathroom! The zofran has helped, but I'm still nausea! It makes me wonder how sick I would be if I wasn't taking this!



This baby is tripping me out! When we had the ultra sound (which I always want to call a sonogram.) that little bogger had a 171 heart beat! It was so fast! Holden's never got that high, it was kind of a trip! Totally different sound.

Is it wrong of me to admit, I'm hoping its a girl??

• Hatti

No we're not going there. I wish! A dear friend of mine just got back from a mission trip down there and as I was looking a pictures I noticed something. All the kids were half dressed, or their clothes were hanging on by a string! I had an idea. I have two huge bags of clothes sitting in my bedroom that I was going to consign. Now if its summery, its going to Hatti.



I have a lot of organizing to do first. The clothes really needs to go down there with a person so it can actually make it to the orphanage. I would love to have more sizes and stuff for boys, girls, an adults too. If anyone has anything they would like to donate hold on to it for a minuet and I'm going to set up everything and then I'll let you know!

• La La Lu Designs

La La Lu is getting revamped, and I can't wait. I can't wait for you guys to see what I'm changing and doing. Think brighter colors, great prices, and some super deals!

• Moving/ Job

Yes, I said moving. Yes, I'm panicking a little. Chris has an interview today or tomorrow, for a transfer to another office. I'm dreading packing, moving, picking a place to live, and all that mess has me a little stressed. Not to mention it is a 99% go, so we're just waiting for that 1% to make things a total go! Here's the thing.... The job is in Charleston. Yes, you heard right! It looks like the Pates are coming home, really this time! I'm trying not to get to excited, but its hard!



Its odd. Thinking about going back and actually having the opportunity to go back is so different. I didn't think it would be such a mental shift. I don't know if its because I'm still waiting for that 1 % to make it a full go ahead, or what. But its just strange feeling.



Well, that's the deal-o! I hope you guys will be praying for us in the season of nuttiness! I'll let everyone know as soon as I know something!



OH IF YA'LL COULD NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT CHARLESTON/MOVING ON FACEBOOK, UNTIL WE OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCE IT THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

~love,

Tiff

Hairs

It's been a long while since I've had the chance to write anything. There has been a lot of changes in the family, our lives over the past few weeks and I finally feel like I am finally at the point that I can put two sentences down and there actually be a point. Its so strange how life can give you joy and pain in such a drastic contrast so quickly. Such a rapid change that it will literally make your head spin!

Sunday the 17th Chris and I woke up and was sitting on the couch having coffee when we found out that Chris uncle David had committed suicide on Saturday night. Shock was the only thing we could process. Just pure dumbfounding shock! It still doesn't seem real. I think this is the hardest form of death to process. This taking your own life is something that is so hard for others to try to wrap their brain around. Its scary, the place that a person is at when this is the out come, most people never mentally get to. It is so hard for those that have never face that thought to try and understand how over whelming that feeling is. How bleak life can feel. I hate, HATE that David ever felt that. I hate that anyone has ever felt that darkness. That sudden out of the blue snap.

I think out of everything in the world this, this lack of hope & light breaks my heart so much. I've been there, I've felt that and to think of anyone else in this world feeling that bleakness, it kind of knocks the wind out of me. All I want is to grab a person up and just hold on to them and let them know how significant they really are. How the are beautifully and wonderfully made by God.

On the long drive home from Atlanta I was thinking about significance. The thought that kept coming is that He knows every hair on your head. Every hair God had thought about. Did you know there are on average 100,000 hairs on a persons hair! 100,000! On top of that the average person loses 50 to 100 hairs a day. The average life expectancy of the USA is 78 years. If there are 365 days in a year the average person lives 28,470 days.

So this is my thoughts...

28,470 days x 100 hairs a day+ 100,00 average hairs on your head =

2,947,000 thoughts about you.

Actually 2,947,000 thoughts about just your hair. Now that is significance.

Right now all I can do is hold on to my husband. Love him and his family the best I can and pray for God presence for our family, and remember our significance lies in Him.

Little One

I follow this amazing blog, Naptime Diaries (as most of you know!) I get so much encouragement from Jessi, and really feel blessed to know her and her family! Recently Jessi has gone through a miscarriage, but she has been able to celebrate the life of her Arrow.

It made me realize, I've never celebrated the life of my baby. I know I had to chance to be so excited about my child, to plan a nursery, to think of names, but any celebrating ended as soon I we found out we lost our little one. But, I feel that celebrating shouldn't have ended. I feel like there is a way that I can love my child, be joyful that I had that child, no matter how fleeting the moment was. I'm excited at the thought that I will one day see that little one. See the little ones face, hear its voice, feel its arms. That I can hold on too, that I can have joy in, that I can move on with.

I think it's important to go through your grief not just linger in it. Too be able to change your normal. To be able to deal with the different emotions as the come up. Not try to plan out your pain, not to check things off a list and be done. Which is what I've been doing. It's like I've been waiting for some one to tell me that I was done now. That I don't have to be sad anymore. That I can think about having another baby. That it was okay to move on.
I don't want to move on. I want to change, adapt. I want to know the joys of life.

Me at 7 weeks

My dear Little One,
Oh how I love you. I know, I know this isn't the way we thought it would have been, not the way it intended to be at all! I had so many dreams of who you would be, how you would effect and change our lives, how you would make us laugh, and drive your brother nuts!
But, your not here. Those hopes & dreams aren't going to happen that way I thought they would. I won't be picking out pink or blue. Holden wont meet us at the hospital wearing a "i'm the big brother" tee-shirt. We wont have four stockings hanging by the fire place this Christmas. It's all changed. Yet, so much hasn't. I still love you with more of my self than I thought I could. I still am your mommy and I will always be that. You still have a family.

I still have hopes and dreams for you. They just have changed. I dream of the day that I'll see you for the first time. I know in that second, I'll know who you are right then and there. I will get to hug you, see your sweet smile, and just take every ounce of you in. Then I'll take your hand, and might not ever let go.

I love you, my little one.

Stop: Collaborate: and Listen

Yes, I'm back with a brand new addition... (get it, you know you want to laugh)

Life has been pretty nutty lately. Lots and Lots of change, did I say lots? Yes LOTS!

Holden has been all over the place. He thinks he's four now and wants to do everything by him self and everything I'm doing. If I had a dime for every time he has poured a cup of water down the front of him trying to drink from my cup, I would have about a dollar...

He's also trying to drop a nap, run for president, and carry shoes all over the house. Btw anyone have any idea why he's in love with carrying shoes? Any insight on that would be very helpful!

With all this craziness, I feel like I've just been in survival mode. I was getting all nice and comfy in that thought. "We're just surviving right now, so it doesn't matter what's messy, what's not in order, whats not planned. We can just get a frozen pizza and call it a night."

Don't you just love when you get all comfy and then get kicked.. Thanks God, love it when you do that! This is what He's been laying on my heart (or beating me over the head with).

Don't Survive, Thrive!

Can I start by saying my first thought was "um, no thanks! maybe next month? year? when things calm down and I have my footing then we'll thrive".
My next thought, "get your rear end off that couch." (yeah, not my own thought if you could guess...)

So that's what the Pate family is going with this season... Thrive!
I love having a motto, a game plan, a list for all my list, so I can get excited about getting behind this!

Here's the game plan, and the challenge...

Stop:
Stop doing things that are a waste of time. Stop running out of the house to go do, just for the sake of doing! It says in Proverbs 39

We are merely moving shadows,
and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth,
not knowing who will spend it.
And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?

My only hope is in you.

I don't know about you but, I don't want to be a shadow, running to be running, rushing to the end just to be rushing! So we are stopping. We're taking things back to the smallest denominator. Which leads us to.... Collaborate.

Collaborate:

What is God saying to Chris and I? What does His word say? How often do we even check in with each other to see what He's saying to each other? I don't know about ya'll but, Chris and I do talk, a lot (if you know my hubby, your totally shaking your head in agreement! If you don't he's a chatter and I love it! He could get a tree to talk back to him! He was the best at recruiting girls to my small group!)

But how often are our conversations goal orientated? How often do we say "tomorrow we'll sit down and talk about what God is saying to us." how often do we even ask each other about our quite times, our hearts, thoughts for our family?

Its like we just start going about our days, knowing we're both talking to God, moving towards a direction but how often do we check to see if we're on the same page. I just assume Chris is doing his thing, and we all know what assuming does...

For now on, we're collaborating. We will have a Pate Family Meeting, minus the little pate (till he get's older). We'll go over everything, what our quite times have been like, what we want to do as a family, what our budget looks like, what our giving and volunteering looks like, what should we be starting- stopping- keeping on with.

Listen:

1. to concentrate on hearing something

2. to take heed; pay attention

There is a big difference in Hearing and Listening, and I feel we tend to confuse the two. We can hear all day long, it doesn't take any effort for us to hear something. Its just a natural part of who we are. But, to Listen... That takes something from us to do, it takes effort, and most of the time a reaction. We can hear a bird chirp but, if we listen for the bird we enjoy the chirping. We can hear God but, if we LISTEN for Him we pay attention to what He is saying and we act on it.

That's what were going to try harder to do. Not just hear but, listen. Search out what He is saying. For me its looks like this:

What does God say about being a women- Proverbs 31, Titus 2:3-5
About trusting Him- Proverbs 3:5
About Money- Proverbs 3:9-10
About Marriage- Ephesians 5:21-30

There's plenty more, just Google it! What does the bible say about ___________. What ever your dealing with.

Well ladies, and maybe a gentleman....
That's the plan. Stop, Collaborate, and Listen.
I hope you can remember those in that order, it might be tricky....

But, I challenge you to do the same!

Reasons and Test Results

We got the test results back today from our D&E. It got me thinking about when we miscarried, and all the pain and processing we've done since then. I just wanted to say a few things about being on this side of it.

I feel like so many times with miscarriages people like to tell you one thing: "well, there must have been something wrong with the baby". First, let me tell you first hand that's not comforting, not at all.

There is nothing comforting about someone telling you that something was wrong with your child, it doesn't matter if your child is with you or in heaven its still a gut retching thought. Don't try and come up with reasons that you think some one had a miscarriage. You don't know.

Listen:
We live in a fallen world.
A world that doesn't work the perfect way it was created.
Bad things happen for no reason and you can't change that.
We have to stop trying to find "reasons".

When we try to figure out why things happen, it very easy to miss what God is trying to do through the event or circumstance. If I would look at it like there was something wrong with my child and that's the only reason I lost it, I would forgot about the falleness that we live in. If I forget about the falleness, I think I would miss the beauty of God. Sometimes you need the pitch black darkness to really see how bright the light actually is.

It says in Proverbs.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.

If I had a reason for every bad thing that happened in my life does that really show trust, faith or hope.

How much trust is in knowing the outcome.
How much faith is in being told a reason.
How much hope is in my own knowledge.

For me, I take hope in not knowing everything. I have comfort in the fact that I don't know everything, and can't explain everything. If my faith was based on how I can explain pain, explain a reason, that would be a very small amount of faith.

Not everything happens for a reason, but God can use everything for His reasons.

That is what I'm going to hold tight too. That is why I worship a God that knows more than I do, that controls more than I can control, and loves more than I can fathom.

With that being said, the baby was missing a chromosome. The baby had what is called Turner syndrome, which means it was missing the sex chromosome. By now some of you are thinking "oh there is your reason you miscarried" but the thing is, babies can be born and live with the syndrome. They do have health problems but they can be born & they can live..

See there isn't always a "reason", just comfort from God.

Stop Biting Please

Mother's day, bites.

No I'm not channeling Save by the Bell, and my keds are safely left in the 90's.

Mother's day feels like it is literally taking little bites out of me, out of my heart, my strength, my resolve.

We went to the doctors yesterday, just a check up after the d&e, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Just being in the doctors office, standing beside a lady very much pregnant, seeing another girl who is pregnant just clinging to her sonagram chatting with her mom and boyfriend and all the excitement that was pouring out of her. Her excitement over being a mom, and mothers day.

All I could think was... damn it.

(sorry but, we have a full transparency policy here at Chris & Tiffany, plus one.)

This just flat out sucks.
Mother's day and I have had a tricky relationship. Mother's day of 09 I found out I was pregnant for the first time only to miscarry a few weeks later, and this year I miscarried only a few weeks ago. Naturally its kind of an emotional roller coaster around here during Mother's Day. Here I am, longing to be a mommy again, longing for that little one that I thought was going to added to our family, and its mother's day. It feels like every mother day's commercial, plans, questions, anything just bites at my heart. Tiny little bits that just sting. It's really hard, one part of my heart is totally over joyed to be a mommy, that I have Holden, while another part of me morns the two babies we lost. Its just a stock pile of sadness around this time. It's hard trying to find a balance: How do I rejoice in being a mom, and find peace in lost all at the same time?

I believe with every part of who I am that everything in time is used for a purpose by God. If I one day get to be a shoulder for someone to cry on, if something I write makes it easier for some one, if it just makes me love harder, what ever it may be I can do this for what ever purpose God has in mind. Not that I believe that God took my child, that God did this.
I believe that we live in a fallen world, that bad things happen to good people because of the sin that lives here. I believe that God is bigger than that and uses that sin, that hurt, that pain for good.


So I'll cling to God. I'll crank up the worship music, paint and cry into my coffee cup when needed. I'll sing off key at the top of my lungs. I'll laugh at Holden, and cry over my babies. I'll pray, oh man will I pray. I'll hold on to every word that God gives me. I'll have verses written on every mirror I own. I'll fight through this and it will be okay. I will rejoice over my dear friends that are pregnant now and shower them with as much love as I can.

I am truly beyond happy for ya'll please, don't let anything steal your joy with your pregnancy especially anything thoughts/worries about me. I love all of you and totally stand joyfully with all of you!

Come Mother's day I'm going to stand before our church, God, and with my family as a mommy of 3 and dedicate them to God, knowing that 2 of them were really good listeners.

But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children." Matthew 19:14

Easter & Randomness

Whew, I've never been a huge fan of Mondays but man did I love yesterday!!
This weekend was a little crazy, sweet but crazy. I think it felt so nuts because Chris actually took Friday off so we had a nice long weekend! I was so excited after him being gone for a week to be able to just hang out and do things together as a family!
It was nice to have him come home and love everything I had been doing all week. When he left Monday I was still sore from the surgery, sad from losing the baby, and a little drugged, but he came home to Me...

The whole me.
Not just the "mommy" me, not the "wife" me, the whole as God created me... well, me!

I've been able to connect with God and have quite time, to paint and worship, to laugh with Holden, to have play dates, and rearrange furniture, just be able to be me in every aspect!
I was talking the other night with a wonderful mommy that I totally love basically about being whole in who God made you, and thriving in that!

I think that's the part I'm finally understanding: Thriving. Its not just know who you are. What your titles are, but growing in that. Reaching your full potential every time. It's hard and you totally can't do it alone. You have to lean in. Lean in to God, friends that build you up, family, love. You just lean in bear down and go!

That's why this year Easter was more perfect that I could every imagine! It was so nice after the past two weeks to be reminded of not only who I am, but who Christ is. What He did for me. For all of us. To be surrounded by family and just feel the love (and eat really good food, and candy till I was sick).

The Pates: Easter 2011
yes the boy's are wearing matching shirts, were are in the south after all!

Side note: can we all take a moment of silence for the fact that we are now in Holden's "second" holidays!

Today

I've decided I am going to be as transparent going through this as I can. Two years ago when we were dealt this same blow, I hide. Very well if I do say so my self, this time I refuse too. My hiding did nothing but making this 100 times harder. I'm sure you know that your mind can be a very very scary place if left alone, and that's how it was last year.

So I'm going to blog a lot. It might get annoying, if it does don't read it :).

I fell asleep last night realizing I had said something that night that, well wasn't true anymore.
My friend Jamie is a really amazing photographer (check her out!) that I have been making (fighting with) little babies hats for (which is a whole different post, just you wait!) . Well I was looking at some of her pictures and said to Chris "oh, I almost forgot I need to message Jamie about doing preggo pictures for us."

Yeah, didn't hit me until about 2 am as I'm laying in bed finally drifting off to sleep.
Needless to say, I woke up today pretty sad.

I have a feeling its just going to be like this for a while. Good days, bad days, and just sad days.

Just different seasons...

I think that is why I am so in love with the Desert Song from Hillsong. Not only did it really help lift my spirits, but its so simple: 'all of my life in every season you are still God, and I have a reason to sing.' To me its reassuring to know that there is still truly a reason to keep singing. To know that no matter how much it hurts and how it jumps up at you at random times it will be okay.

So, today I'm sad. Today I'm still going to sing, I'm just going to cry a little too.

What I've learned today

Today I've learned that:

I can laugh no matter what.
Strength does not come from me, only God.
He will show up, all you have to do is ask.
There really is a peace that passes all understanding.
God will not only show up, but He will use the most random people at the most random times to actually make a path for you.

Today, I'm blown away.

I'm sore, sleepy, and know that I'm going to cry, I'm going to have so much to still process but today I'm holding on that everything I learned.

A Reason

It's really hard to even form words right now so bear with me.
Yesterday we had our ob appointment and we found out that we lost the baby. I was just going to write an ambiguous post about it and let people just figure it out on their own. But, it just didn't seem right.

I can't believe we are walking down this path again. I would have never thought in my life I would have to deal with this kind of lost, again. But, we are. I know we're going to make it. We're going to be okay, I know that with all my heart. It's hard, and it really really sucks but I have faith in this. As crazy as that might sound I know that everything in life eventually shows how wonderful God and His comfort is. I know I wouldn't have made it through last time with out holding on to what His word says.

It's ironic walking down this path once again. Parts of me want to just throw the biggest fit ever, and just smack the people that say the 'stupid things'. Have you ever notice how when people try really hard to comfort you, they end up saying things that just make everything worst? Anyways... Like I said this post is not going to be very coherent.

I just really pray that some how, some where some one get its. Get's how great God is, how amazing His love really is, How much He is actually there in a fully functionally relevant to you kind of way. He's not just in a book, or in a church like a statue, He's really out there waiting for you. If I have to keep going through this for others to know, I'm okay with it. It's going to hurt, and I'm going to have to dive deeper and deeper in to my faith and my God but I'll do it. I have to go through this to be there to hold the hand of another, I'll do it.

My favorite verse is He comforts us in all out troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are in trouble we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
2 Corinthians 1:4

I believe that with all my heart, and have seen it so so many times.

Right now I'm just processing. Just like last time, I can get through this, I can still rejoice, I can still know....


HILLSONG- DESERT SONG by JESUSisaMESSIAH

This song was what I stood in and am still standing in, once again.

Code Red

I am stressed out....

I am so stressed out, I didn't even know I am as stressed as I am.
Doesn't make sense..?
I had a panic attack last night and wasn't emotionally connected to it at all. My body was reacting to the anxiety but, my emotions didn't even know there was anything there. Crazy huh?

I've realized I've gotten really good and pushing all my exhaustion and frustrations down. I've tried and tried to just be there to please everyone else, getting all upset when I couldn't be perfect enough. They past few days, I've given up.

I am not perfect, nor am I ever going to be. I've learned that what one person "expects" of me is not the same as another person "expects" so how is it possible to be two different people?

How did my life go from living open and free to being fearful of other people?
Where is the line between being considerate of other, and letting the thoughts of other change who you are?
How do you define a friend?
Is friendship limited?
Can it be friendship if there are limits to what you can do or say?
What do you do if you feel like the friendship is one sided?
Can you take on too much?
What do you do when you have realized you have taken on too much?
What do you do when you can't "feel" what your body is feeling?

How have I not realized that I've been dealing with so much? I'm not sure, but with mommahood, wifehood, moving, family, friends, drama, and all that life is I need to take some time and really dig in and sort my head out a bit.


I really thought I was going good! Wow, I was wrong!

writing prompt from Momma's losing it

Arrows and Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou

Over the past few years, I have been really worried (almost obsessive) with what I say. I try very very hard to think about what I am saying and how I think that person will take it. It's hard, very hard at times. With some people I can just easily know and understand how my words effect them, but with others it is really hard.

Its so easy to fall in to bad habits, to be so use to the people in your life and them always being there. How many of us just throw words, actions, and looks around that are hurtful all while believing "they love me, they know I don't mean anything by it."

I'm sorry but, just because they love you doesn't mean they like being hurt.

I'm just as guilty of saying thing in tones, or with attitudes that are hurtful. The funny thing is, most of the time I fling out pain because I was hurt. It becomes: you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you back and lets see who can make the other feel the smallest.

I look at Holden and think, how will my words to him make him feel:

like he can do anything, or like I am totally disappointed in him?
Will he feel like the king of the world, or the beggar on the side of the street?
How will my hurtful words to his dad effect him?

It hurts to think that the words I say not only to Holden but, to Chris can have such a negative impact on my baby man! Not only my words to my family, but my words to this world can mold and shape Holden's view of life!

What does it say to him when I yell at the person that cut us off in the car?
What is it going to teach him when I speak so negativity about people, or things?
Even when I'm "joking" is it funny or hurtful?
Is a joke, a joke, when all it does is cut someone?

Do I want my baby man living in a world where he sees everything in a negative light, or do I want him to love and love hard. Love in a way that people can see the God that loves him? Do I want him to grow into a man that sees hope and good in everyone?

It says that my baby, is my arrow.

Psalm 127:4.

My little blue eyed arrow that I launch in to this world, an arrow that what I do effects the direction he goes! It starts with me and my mouth, my attitude, my heart. What is in your heart is shown by your words.
Matthew 12:34.

So instead of focusing on my words, the result of my heart, I am going to focus on my heart. Focus on the root, the core of everything. Constantly poring good in to my heart. With that goodness, I will be able to pore out good.

today's post comes from a writing prompt over at Moma's Losin' it!

For 2011

I've deiced this year I want a verse.

A verse to commit to memory, a verse to live my life daily try to live up too.

big task huh?

I'm been thinking about it, mulling it over and over in my head.

Finally praying about it.

yes I know I should have done that first.

So I'm sitting here now waiting for my nails to dry, bored with my usual facebook stalking, re-reading my blog. I guess the new year has me reminiscing about the past two years. Well, I've read all the way till this last may.

now I'm glad I didn't blog that often before!

There it was. My Verse. On a past blog!

The wise woman builds her house,

but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Ha! How well that went!

My huge break through from months ago, only dented my blog, not my life. Talk about a kick in the pants.

Yes, I'm stubborn.

Yes, I don't want to have to grow up.

Yes, for some reason I still believe it I learn the lesson once, its learned and over.

Yes, I think writing about it is learning it.

Yes, I totally understand I need to APPLY it.

Yes, I'm totally laying on the floor right now pitching the biggest fit ever.

So I prayed.

Could I get another verse please? What about something on trusting, loving each other, or even teaching? Come on God something easy?! Pretty please.

Can you guess what the answer is? Yup, a very large and big 'NOPE'.

So 2011, so much for you being easier than last year....

Me+ Momma

I've been painting. Just creating expressing what ever it is that's in me that's fighting to get out.
I painted a sign for Holden's room that has his bible verse on it.
The Spirit of God created me

Job 33:4

I know God created my son perfect just they way he is. With all the boldness and personality that comes bursting out of that little man! I want Holden to grow up know that. Know that he was made unique and to be proud and bold in that!
As I was painting, it hit me...


I know Holden is created perfect just the way he is, but why do I act like I need to be someone else?
Don't you just love when that happens.

I have amazing momma's around me, impressive, wonderful, talented and creative, momma's.
Momma's that you can't help but, think "how do they do that!"
Momma's that I was desperately trying to live up to the qualities they had that I thought I was suppose to have too.
Yeah, it doesn't work that way.

I've been driving my self nuts, literally in to exhaustion trying to find my groove. As in trying to copy the other momma's grooves. Or the grooves I thought they have.
I didn't realize it wasn't about finding my momma groove, but adding the role of momma to the groove I already have.
Instead of becoming the momma I thought I should be, I need to be the momma I already am!

God created me just as I am. He gave me Holden because no one else on this earth can be Holden's Momma the way I can. So if there are times that the toys aren't put away, laundry that needs done, paint every where, and snot in my sons nose I am still the perfect momma for that little man.

Here's my momma groove.
I am a momma,
I need coffee every morning.
I think the day is successful if I get a shower before Chris comes home.
I buy more bottles so I don't have to wash them all day.
I leave the tv on all day so I feel like someone is here to talk too.
I do talk to the tv. (and I'm okay with that!)
I only leave the house once a week.I'm horrible and taking the trash out.
I can play with Holden all day and do nothing else!
I rather play with Holden all day!
I want another (and I'm getting another) tattoo.
I think there is nothing wrong with it.
I would change my hair color every month if I could.
I still want to rock out like I'm 17.
I still rock out, actually.I love to create things.
I love music.
I love my husband.
I love my life.
I am just me.

For a season.

I love blogging. I love writing and putting my heart out there! I really enjoy it and would use up all my time doing it if I could.

Actually I do use all my time doing it. Not a good thing.

As I sit around the piles of mess in my room and laundry piled sky high I've realized something.

I'm blogging before all else, and I mean all else.

I'm blogging about being a mom. I want to work on being a great mom, not just a mom and with that I have to learn where my boundaries are. What is the most important things to mean.

What is my groove grooving too?

God & Family.

Am I putting my all into my family, into my relationship with God.
Honestly No. (and that's hard to admit)

With that being said, I'm taking a break. I need to refocus on my life.
Refocus on Family and Worship.

So good bye for now bloggerverise.

Urgh!!

Urgh.

I'm having one of those days. The day when your brain just feels mushy and full of idea's and overwhelming emotions. Its like standing in the middle of the room and not knowing which door to go through. It honestly sucks.

So this is going to turn into a random list of thoughts. Consider your self for warn.

• I miss Charleston, nothing new there.
• I think we're suppose to stay in Charlotte
• I have no idea where to go.
• I have no idea what we are doing!
• I have to do something!
• I don't feel content at any church in Charlotte! Why?
• I'm so ticked with life, in a general urgh, kind of way.
• I love being a Mommy.
• Its exhausting being a Mommy.
• My son is now not wanting to sleep through the night.
• He's also currently running a fever.
• I'm really confused if I need to just buckle down and jump into a church, or keep looking.

That's what my big problem is. I don't know what to do. I miss having a home church, I miss small groups, and feeling so connected to God when at church. I don't know if I should just keep looking or just go to any church just to be at church.

Like I said urgh.