This Season

This season, the time right after Mothers Day, tends to hurt. Some years, it's a bitter sweet kind of pain, other times its a searing kind of sadness. Either way, it hurts.

It all started on Mother's Day 2009, the day I found out I was pregnant with out first child. The day, all the years as being told I wasn't going to be able to have kids changed. The day that was our miracle day. Fast forward a few weeks later, I'm laying on the couch sobbing saying good bye to the baby that I was already madly in love with. 

So this year, I brace my self. Not for overwhelming pain, but for a hopeful silence. 

Silence from me, and hope from Christ.

A hope of one day spending the rest of eternity with all my babies.

A hope for this life growing in me now.

A hope of healing.

A hope of new lessons from old heart ache.

As hard as Mothers Day is, the joy of this day is hope and love. 

Love for our children, not matter where they are. 

Baby of Mine

Have you ever had a photo bite you, like knock the wind out of you?
That happen to me, with this photo.

march 2011

There's my little baby Holden, not even a year old but already a big brother. There's my little baby, frozen in black and white.

My little baby that never came to be.
My little baby that I lost a week later. 

When we lost this little person, our second lost, I thought I got rid of every photo, the actual ultra sound, everything that could make me remember.

I didn't want to remember, to remember the shock when I found out we were going to become a family of four.

I didn't want to remember calling family and friends.

I didn't want to remember that ob appointment. The one when they couldn't find a heart beat right away. The one when they tried to tell me it was okay, but I knew. The one when the image of my baby, frozen in time, was glaring from a screen.

I didn't want to remember the feeling of knowing I had lost my baby two weeks before.

I didn't want to remember the life that slipped through my fingers.

I didn't want to remember how desperately I thought that little one was my daughter. How it felt to loss my chance for pink tutus, sparkly shoes, and hair bows.

Honestly, some days I still don't want to remember. It still hurts, not in such a cutting way, but in an aching kind of way. There are some days that the memories knock my breath from my chest. The days that my eyes fill up to the breaking point.

Those are the days, that I thought wouldn't be around still.

Those are the days that I think will be around forever.

My babies

 Back in the days before I had ever meet another blogger, or had any idea what my twitter handle was, I made a choice not to put my little peoples names on social media. There was a random event that made me frustrated and a little spied on. Ironic isn't it, a blogger feeling spied on. But, this was years ago when this whole blogger thing felt scary and oddly isolating.

Now, wow, so much has changed. There is so much community our there to be apart of. So much love, so many women supporting each other and becoming friends. Real life not just "online" friends. These women, I know their hearts, their fears, they have seen me walk through miscarriages, births of children, the fear of losing my youngest, and then the miracle of God healing him.

This big scary world, isn't so scary. This big world now feels small and cozy. This big blogging world is amazing. I am so thankful for my friends and for those fears that are gone. So keeping my boys names a secret isn't needed any more. Actions done in fear are never needed. I don't want my boys to learn those actions. I want them to be strong, worshiping warriors, proud of their names.

Meet my babies....

2012 Oh what a year

Late December back in, no wait blogging not singing. I can't believe this year is almost over! I know everyone always says how times flies but this year it seems like it flew faster than normal. Guess that's why happens when there are two little one running around.

I thought about writting a really heavy post on all God has taught me, beaten me over the head with, and whispered to me this year. But honestly I'm exhausted. After the stomach bug, Christmas, and having the Hubby gone since Thanksgiving, my capablity to form complete and coherient thoughts is, well flat out gone.

So enjoy our year in review... Instagram style.

January held the Chosen conference, not being able to see my toes and at time feel my legs. I tried to soak all of January in. That last month before we became a family of four, that last month that it was just be and Buddieboy all day.

 Febuary, wow, Febuary was not what I thought it would be. With the birth of our Littleguy, then his stay in the NNICU and fighting for his life. Not that way I pictured our second son coming into this world. But, we were so blessed. Blessed by our little fighter, blessed by God protecting my heart during this time. Never did I once think that we were going to lose our Littleguy, and I'm so thankful for that.

In March Buddieboy turned two! A wild, crazy, funny, happy two year old.

April I started learning how to juggle being a mom of two.These little boys of mine, make my heart so happy it hurts! I love them so much ((and it blows my mind how big Littleguy has gotten, and yes I dressed them alike for Easter!))

May was for moving. We moved into our first house. I love our house. With it's wood paneling, clothes line, and oldness, our house has home in its bones. May also brought about my re-branding...again.

June brought about my first market, me stepping in out as a business women. Which scared the snot out of me. It still does. I always have fight to be able to stand in that title.

July launched the Mrs Pate Bra Drive. Never did I think that one little idea would grow the way it did! It made me realize to value my voice, and use it for what God wants not always what I want.

 August was just HOT. Everything was just about keeping cool!

September brought about the Hubby's 30th birthday. It was so much fun throwing him a great surprise birthday party! I still don't know how I pulled it off but it was fabulous.

October gave me Influence. The most amazing, exhausting week ever. I adore the community that the Influence conference has created. I had a blast helping to run the market and it inspired me to really take charge and step out in my own business even more.

November gave us orphan Sunday and our first Thanksgiving at home, just the Hubby, Buddieboy and Littleguy. It also gave us the Hubby leaving for an extended work trip, and hours of me creating.

December has been all about giving! Our church launched 100k gifts, encouraging us to give, give give. It has been huge in growing my heart, and teaching Buddieboy about giving. He drew a picture for our garbage "guys" and I gave them coffee gift cards. It was so much fun! Oh and there was Christmas too and the gift of caffeine!

follow me on Instagram @mrstmpate

Coffee Date Friday

Today I'm linking up with Alissa at Rags to Stitches for her coffee date Friday. I've always wanted to link up with her because, well first I adore her face and second I love the idea of a coffee date.

Honestly, you might not want to coffee date with me today.
I'm moody. The Hubby was been out of town working since the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Yes, you read that right ((and yes I want to cry)). I miss him terribly. Like an achy kind of miss him.

Since he's been gone Littleguy has been standing, walking around the coffee table, and had his first Christmas.

Since Hubby has been gone, Buddieboy is speaking in full complex sentences, road a big wheels, and started drinking out of a regular cup. He also has turned into a little character!

Since Hubby has been gone, I've been sick, sad, crocheting, working to build a business, and have been sleeping with a bat by the bed.

 

Since Hubby has been gone. I've missed him so so much.

What about you? What would you chat about?

Poop-land

I'm so naive. I thought my days of baby poop-a-rama were past us, at least with Baby Man of course not Little Guy (the fun wont begin with him till March). At a year and a half, most kids have a good handle on their poop. I know there's the stomach bug, and other issues but blow outs, naww we were in the clear.

Negative ghost rider. Yes, we had the mother (and father) of all blow outs today! I've handled the blow out, the finger paint with poop, even the mash it between the toes poop, but the toddler blow out. Can't do it! Can't handle it. Really fighting throwing up!

See Baby Man has been constipated for um, like six months. Not the whole six months but, we have been fighting it weekly for months now. After taking him to the doctors (a new one) yesterday Baby Man was taken off whole milk and had to start taking miralax, two adult doses a day! Yes, I said two, wanna guess where this is going? Yes, after two doses he woke up yelling for me. I walk into his room and he is pointing in his crib asking "That?".

That, would be a huge gravy like puddle of well, what was in Baby Man.

The kid was coated, he looked like someone was trying to stain him a new color. Plus I didn't realize when I put him down that at the nursery this morning he's diaper was put on backwards. Needless to say, it didn't catch much. I won't go into details of the poop-a-rama, but I do know that the corn he ate yesterday is all out of his system now...

The best part.... Right before that the power company was installing a new power pole and so gracefully knocked over a power line, which broke the water main for our place...

yes, it took a half a container of baby wipes and I'm fighting the urge to just throw his sheets out... I think I'll send the power company a bill.

11 Weeks

11 weeks! Who would have ever thought I would be showing so much? Not me! But, I love it!

My morning sickness is being totally bi-polar. Once day I'll be sick as all get out, and the next I'll be feeling amazing! I know I've gained weight but I'm not sure how much or, if I even want to know. I am in full out preggo clothes which I laugh at! I can't believe it. I know they say you get bigger quicker your second time but man, I wasn't expecting this!



But, like I said I'm loving it! I feel so pretty this time around even though my hair is so greasy I've actually used dawn to wash my hair, and my face is breaking out like a 15 year old boy. Its hilarious! I can barely wear make-up! Everything that our society is telling is should make me feel pretty makes me feel beautiful! I love it...



Oh and did I mention where moving back to Charleston!! Chris has his official offer letter with a start date of September 5th! ARGH!!! Time to rock and roll!

Heavy Heart

Can a heavy heart be joyful at the same time? That's the only way I can describe mine right now. Sitting in silence, with baby man in bed and hubby man miles and miles away. I'm stuck here with my own thoughts. Oddly enough, joyfully sad thoughts.



My thoughts run from thinking I've felt baby pate moving, to the fear I'm still fighting of losing yet another child, to those beautiful women, mommies really, that are still waiting for their own little people. There is a sadness that settles thinking about them, a sadness that makes me want to just hug them till they have their little one, a sadness that honestly no one can make better. At the same time there is also that joy, that hope of God's promises and miracles, of His word and restoration.



I guess I just want to say for those beautiful mommies out there. I love you, and I'm praying for you, and can not wait for the day I can make your little ones something. For the day I can pray stitch by stitch for their lives, their families, and for you joy. I know the battle you face, the strength you show, and the light that you show. Your not alone always remember that.

Ready, Set... Wait were doing what?!

Alright, peps. Here's a Pate family round up.

Its been crazy, and I mean some one get me a straight jacket kind of crazy around here! I've tried so many times to sit down and fill everyone in but, there have been so many uncertain situations, waiting on outcomes, and Chris. See I am much more transparent with thing and Chris is a little more keep it in kind of fellow. But, I can't keep everything in anymore because I have nothing to write about! Which is think is one of the reasons I haven't been able to sleep. Every night before I go to bed I write a blog out in my head before I can even think of going to sleep, which isn't working very well.

Here's our Highlights!

• I'm pregnant!

I am so excited, and so sick! Which if anyone has ever been pregnant knows that's a really good thing. After the last miscarriage I really wanted to wait to see how the baby is doing and how I was feeling. The last pregnancy I never really was very sick, and suddenly at 8 weeks I felt great. Great as in I had a ton of energy and started losing weight. Not a good sign when your in your first trimester.



But, this time I can't keep anything down! The doctor gave me zofran to help the nausea, because I have a 17 month old and there is no way I can spend the day in the bathroom! The zofran has helped, but I'm still nausea! It makes me wonder how sick I would be if I wasn't taking this!



This baby is tripping me out! When we had the ultra sound (which I always want to call a sonogram.) that little bogger had a 171 heart beat! It was so fast! Holden's never got that high, it was kind of a trip! Totally different sound.

Is it wrong of me to admit, I'm hoping its a girl??

• Hatti

No we're not going there. I wish! A dear friend of mine just got back from a mission trip down there and as I was looking a pictures I noticed something. All the kids were half dressed, or their clothes were hanging on by a string! I had an idea. I have two huge bags of clothes sitting in my bedroom that I was going to consign. Now if its summery, its going to Hatti.



I have a lot of organizing to do first. The clothes really needs to go down there with a person so it can actually make it to the orphanage. I would love to have more sizes and stuff for boys, girls, an adults too. If anyone has anything they would like to donate hold on to it for a minuet and I'm going to set up everything and then I'll let you know!

• La La Lu Designs

La La Lu is getting revamped, and I can't wait. I can't wait for you guys to see what I'm changing and doing. Think brighter colors, great prices, and some super deals!

• Moving/ Job

Yes, I said moving. Yes, I'm panicking a little. Chris has an interview today or tomorrow, for a transfer to another office. I'm dreading packing, moving, picking a place to live, and all that mess has me a little stressed. Not to mention it is a 99% go, so we're just waiting for that 1% to make things a total go! Here's the thing.... The job is in Charleston. Yes, you heard right! It looks like the Pates are coming home, really this time! I'm trying not to get to excited, but its hard!



Its odd. Thinking about going back and actually having the opportunity to go back is so different. I didn't think it would be such a mental shift. I don't know if its because I'm still waiting for that 1 % to make it a full go ahead, or what. But its just strange feeling.



Well, that's the deal-o! I hope you guys will be praying for us in the season of nuttiness! I'll let everyone know as soon as I know something!



OH IF YA'LL COULD NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT CHARLESTON/MOVING ON FACEBOOK, UNTIL WE OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCE IT THAT WOULD BE GREAT!

~love,

Tiff

Prayers for My Boy

Ive been reading an amazing book Warrior Prayers.
It's amazing!! It's for mommies of boys and how much we need to be pouring into them and how to pray for them and their specific needs as Men of God. I'm totally floored.

Check it out, the book is a pdf book, so it downloads straight to the computer or kindle and its cheap. Like no more than 6 bucks, totally worth every penny. Right now they are doing a 21 Day Challenge on facebook!

I've never prayed using scripture before (and honestly, the concept was a little well nutty to me.) but, I'm loving it. I found an old journal that I've never used (yes I was totally surprised also) and I've been writing out the scriptures and prayers. It's help me not only take time and pray them out (instead of a quick reading scan) but, remember them a little better, settle on the scriptures and fully think about them.

I wanted to share with you the ones I'm praying for Holden today (and encourage you to pray them over your boys, boys that you know, and for you girl momma's: your future son in laws!)

May Holden's heart cry be "not my will but, Yours be done."

Luke 22:42

May Holden be like a wise man, whose heart inclines him to the right.

Ecclesiastes 10:2

May Holden honor God with his heart & not just his lips.

Isaiah 29:13

May Holden out of the good treasure of his heart produce good, for out of the abundance of his heart his mouth speaks.

Luke 6:45

May Holden draw near to God & He will draw near to Him. May he cleanse his hands & purify his heart.

James 4:8

Baby Dedication

Mosaic Baby Dedication | 5.8.11 from mosaicchurch on Vimeo.

Mother's Day baby dedication at Mosaic. Holden start's at 9:30mins. If you have time watch the start when Pastor Mike is speaking, some amazing words for parents!

Bows, Bows, and Bows! Giveaway!!

UPDATE: I want everyone to be able to enter so I'm extending the give away! I know who does that, yes me. I do that! All Entries have to be in by June 10th and we'll announce the winner June 11th!! Spread the word ladies! The more you do the more entries you get! Btw, for every tweet, facebook post, and for every blog you follow make a separate comment! Yes, You can post a link every day for a week and get 7 different entries!

I am so excited about today's post!

Not only is it my first give away, which is really cool, but I get to host a give away for someone that is so precious! I'm really so so excited, I'll just get in to it!

Paint Bake and Create Give Away! "While I was in college studying art, I took a design class and one of our assignments was to design a logo. I came up with the Paint, Bake, & Create logo, and I just went with it.

I brought the business to life in the fall of 2009 as I was finishing up my bachelors degree.
I began creating things as gifts for my friends baby showers and birthday presents. I then began selling, I made a website, and here it is!
Since then, I've had a beautiful baby girl, Maggie Claire born in October 2010, who is our number one Paint, Bake, & Create model! Feel free to browse around on my blog and just email me if you would like to order anything! paintbakeandcreate@gmail.com"

~ Hilary

I'm so excited to be doing this give away, not only because I think Hilary is one of the sweetest, craftiest person I know but everything she does has so much heart behind it! You know when you get something from Hilary she had put so much thought into it!

One lucky lady will win this:

Yes, your eyes are seeing right! We have an adorable headband with not one but THREE flower clips and a bright summery bow!! (Yes, I am wishing I could put Holden in these, and no I wont!)

Want a chance to win this stash? It is super easy!

For 1 entry
follow my blog, Hilary's personal blog, and Paint Bake and Create!
leave a comment for every one you do.

For 2 entries
Facebook or Twitter!
Leave me a comment with your twitter name.

For 5 entries (yes, 5!)
Blog about the giveaway!
To get all five entries, comment five times with a link to your blog each time

BOUNS ENTRY!

If you blog about this amazing giveaway, every person that links up from your blog YOU get another entry! Have them state where they linked up from. For example "linked up from Chris and Tiffany plus One!"


So get a going ladies, have fun, and blog away! I'll announce the winner on June 3rd! Plenty of time for everyone to get those entries in!

Jesus loves the little children

The thought of teaching a Holden about Jesus and his love for the little guy is over whelming to me at times. How do I being to teach a one year old that there is a God, Jesus, and the story of their love for him, when I can barely pick a word to describe his baby boy parts.

The parts that he is totally obsessed with, bath time is so much fun right now!

It hit me today. I love when things come to me in such an organic way. Its like a light just goes off and there it is! Anyways, back to the story.

I got up this morning and was actually ready to go. No sleepy barley making it out of bed when I hear my alarm (aka Holden yelling "mommmma") going off. I actually woke up wide awake ready to start the day! I fixed Holden's breakfast, sat and had a little morning chit chat with the baby man, loaded the dish washer (I know who am I thing morning!) and then fixed me some toast, tea and sat down to have some quite time while baby man played in the sun room.

Then my plan went out the window. Suddenly baby man didn't like the idea of playing by him self with morning. Which is totally out of character! He's the little kid that if he's in the sun room playing and I walk in to play with him he'll get up walk to his room close the door and play by himself... Really, that's baby man.

So this morning when he suddenly wanted my attention as I was craving Gods, we had a bit of a dilemma. I had everything read for some major quite time...

My new tea cup that I haven't even used yet!
A pot of fresh tea!
Both of my favorite bibles (I own tons: Hi my name is Tiffany and I'm a bible junkie.)
My big journal, and I even found my reading glasses!!!
Delirious? on Pandora!

Totally ready to rock and roll a quite time... With baby man trying to climb up my leg!
Then it hit me, Holden might not be able to read the bible (or own one yet- its in his Easter basket) but he can sit in his high chair beside me while I do quite time.


So that's what we did. Holden and I had quite time together.
Can I tell you it was one of the sweetest moments between us ever. He just sat with his cheerios, sippy cup, and a book and just read.

The best part was this song came on Pandora


I just started singing along, and out of the corner of my eye I caught Holden praising along with me.

I caught the video by acting like I didn't see him, so I haven't watched it yet if its not centered or messy, sorry.

I realized today, that I am teaching Holden so much more than I thought! I don't have to tell him the story of Christ for him to feel that love. He was so calm and happy just sitting there with me listening. He just kept dancing and singing along.

It helped heal this momma's heart a little more.

Baby Boy Room

I've never shown anyone what we ended up with in Holden's room...

That's because we're still not done!

Since Holden was born we have moved 4 times.

In case you forgot he's just over a year old!

We haven't had time to set up, design, or really put together his room! I have all the pieces just not all set up. I have an amazing blue shelf that I painted, that's sitting behind the glider. I have his quilt all cut and pinned together, that's at my moms waiting to be sown on my great grandma's treadle machine. (pretty cool huh?)

So I thought I would show ya'll some of the pieces we have and some of the stuff I found that I want to do for the baby man.

1) Tin Star- ours is painted bright red.

2) Holden Rope Sign- made by Chris

3) Growth Chart- I love love love this! It was custom made my Monica from Getty Art Studio. It has Holden's bible verse on it: The spirit of God made me, the breath of the Almighty gave me life.

4) Ikea Crib- I loved the color of the crib, and that it didn't cost an arm and a leg which is good because Holden has chewed all over it!

5, 6 & 8) Fabric- The fabric is for Holden's quilt.

7) Lamp- Yes that is a covered wagon lamp, its amazing. Cir 1950's.

9) Hooks- I love this and want to make one for Holden.

Baby Man

Baby man, I can't believe you are a year old! It almost feels like some one is lying to me. That there is no way possible that the little tiny bundle of you that was the biggest source of snuggles, is now walking around yell for "Dada" when "Mama" doesn't give you your way.

You were so tiny, so perfect, so mesmerizing. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, and there was no way you were being any where else but in my arms. You were (and always will be) MY baby first. But, you keep growing. No matter how hard I wish I could freeze time and just hold on to you a little longer, snuggle a little deeper, smell the sweet scent of your newborn little head, you grew and grew. You've gone from just staring at me to making me laugh harder than I have ever laugh!

The little personality that God has blessed you with is in it's self a miracle. Yes, you fuss, yes you test us, and yes you are really good at throwing a nice size fit! But, your heart is priceless. When I cry you crawl in to my lap, place both hand on my face and smile. This adorable little smile that says so much.

You LOVE to make people laugh, and boy do they laugh! I love when we stroll around a store and you sit there backwards in the seat, and wave and say hi to every person that passes. I love that when they don't acknowledge you, you don't give up! You've said hi to a lady on the phone so many times she stopped her conversation to "say hi to this little boy that is trying so hard!". I love watching you interact with the rest of the world!

Baby man, your a year old. Your little light has only shine for 12 months and wow, what an impact you have made not only on our lives but so many others! I pray you always want to make others smile and laugh. I pray you always show that compassion that is already such a part of who you are. I pray that you will always know how much you are loved, and how beyond proud I am of the amazing baby man you are! I can now say I can't wait to see what you do in life.

I love you baby man...

Little Baby Man

I realized today, I haven't talked about what little man has been up too in a while!
Man, this past ten days have been nuts.

Really nuts...

I'm amazing at how quickly they grow up. It seems like over night he has just started doing "big" boy things! The little things that he was doing before he is now so strong and sturdy in. He stands and pushes him self off the things he's holding on too. Its really cute seeing him "test" him self! He loves to "walk" He still has to hold on to thing but, he's moved from a two hand hold to a one hand hold.Dancing to the music

He is doing finger foods so well! Right now we do lunch and have started doing dinner too. He has his "plate" and then I offer him a thing of baby food to make sure he has gotten enough. The past few days he has eaten a good size plate, and a whole thing of baby food. I smell growth spurt!

Holden vs. the sweet potato.

Speaking of growth spurts, He is trying to change his little schedule! I'm not really a big fan of it. If he would be consistent with the changes it would be so much easier.
But, trying to take a four hour morning nap one day, and the next day 45 mins, not so much fun!

Little Baby Man is getting so so big, I love it,

and him, so so much.

baby man with homemade "playdough"

Give me two steps

Yes, that is my little baby man on our way home from the hospital.

So cute isn't he!
So little, so small, so cute, so throwing up some ghettoness!
Now I know mommies always love to look back at their little bundles and are amazed at how big they are. How much they have grown. How much they change, and how fast it all happens!

Now look at him... Chill'n like a big baby man.
Handsome little guy.
That's my baby!

Now what you might ask is causing the big looking back moment?

Holden walked.
Yes, walked.
It was two steps, two steps!

My little bitty baby boy that was hardly big enough make a dent in his car seat is walking around his play pen.

Really!
Where has the past 8 months gone!

Holden turns one, well in 5 months....

I've been day dreaming of Holden's first birthday.

It's so exciting to be able to do a little kid birthday! I think the best thing about having kids is that you can so get away with little kid things again!I have mixed emotions about Holden getting older. I know I have some time before he's a year old, but the past seven months have flown by I can only imagine how fast the next five will!
It was making me sad how fast his is growing.
I went in to his room the other day and he was kneeling there waiting for me!
He just pulled him self up and cried out "momma".

So to get my self out to the "my baby is growing up" funk, I'm planning his first birthday party.
I know, I know totally getting a head of my self.

Here's my dream party:

I would love this for all the plates and cups.
Yes I'm thinking cowboy theme, I mean was there really a question about that?

Aren't the little inflatable horse's so cute.
How great would it be for every cowpoke to have their own little horse!

I am TOTALLY IN LOVE with this cake!
The only thing I that I really really want to make Holden's birthday cake,
but I really want to make this one.
I guess I need to start practicing!!


Remember being kids what was better than getting big presents?
Yes BIG boxes!
Can it get any better than this!
(isn't those little cow people cut outs the cutest thing ever!)
I can take pictures of all the kids and print them out when the party is going on so the parents can have pictures of their little cow pokes!



Yes, that is an inflatable barn, with horses.
Yes it is totally not right for a one year birthday party.
It was just way to AMAZING to not share!

Well that's it for now. I need to figure out invites, but I have time ;)

Fever

Yes, I've been sick. Honestly I don't think I have ever been this sick in my life. Even preggo swine flu was not this bad, seriously.

It has just been one thing after another.
First the sore throat,
then light headiness,
stuffy nose,
then my face exploded.
Okay maybe not exploded but, I'm telling you I wouldn't be surprised if it did.

Yes, sinus infection. Yes, I don't like it.
Did I mention I pulled my neck coughing so hard?

So stuffy sick whinny me realized something last night.
I'm a week late.
Now before you get all excited or questioning my mental sanity, I'm not.

I threw a fit.
For some reason I didn't realize but, I have a fever.
A baby fever.
(yes I know I have a baby but, another baby.)

I just keep thinking about a little dark headed girl with big blue eyes giggling.
Pink dresses and tutus, the whole nine yards.

So me in my whinny pouting state sat down today and just didn't want to deal with life.
I wanted to be pregnant.
I wanted to run out and get Holden a "I'm the big brother" shirt.
I wanted to think of some cute and fun way of telling ya'll.
I wanted to call the doctor and set up an appointment to see the little one.
I really thought I was pregnant.

What do I do?
I read blogs, well a blog and get kicked in the pants.
(Thanks Jessi)
Thanks God... Can I not have a day to pout? guess not..

I know God wants so much for me.
He wants me to have the desires of my heart. He wants to do something big in my life. Not just little things, but big moving the world kind of things.
I want that!
I want Him to show up big.
He has done it time and time before!

From healing my heart from my past, to giving me an amazing little boy when I wasn't suppose to have one! So why would I pout about not getting what I want now!

I want a baby now, but I know that God has a perfect time and place for me.
I think I want that more.

Where oh where did my little boy go?

My little boy is growing up!
( I know, I know that's what they do. But, I don't have to like it!)
It's crazy how big he gets, and how fast he is growing! It blows my mind.Here are some milestones that I haven't updated yet.

Momma & Dada.
Yes. Holden is speaking. Its so amazing and so cute.
When he starts saying "mamma" every part of me melts.
I would give any I had to him in a heart beat. I turn into a mamapuddle in a blink of an eye.
He knows it too...When he's fussing he'll cry then yell out "mamma". The funny thing is, if I don't get to him "fast" enough, or I'm trying to let him figure things out, he'll cry out "dada".

I know, can he get any cuter!

Crawling.

He is crawling every where.
EVERYWHERE.
I can't turn around with out him disappearing somewhere. His favorite thing is to crawl under anything. He'll crawl under his exersaucer, under the table, anything he can get under.
He likes to have a little club house.
(I'm now working on getting him a tepee. He'll love it!)


Self Feeding.
I'm so excited and proud of the little guy! He loves being able to feed him self!
He gets so excited every time he does it! Its really really cute.
He gets so excited, and waits for me to say "yeah Holden".
He'll kick his feet and just laugh!
Like I said he's so so proud!


Well that's all the big things for right now. We're working on "no" and the sign for "more" but all I'm getting out of him right now is him laughing!