Stop Biting Please

Mother's day, bites.

No I'm not channeling Save by the Bell, and my keds are safely left in the 90's.

Mother's day feels like it is literally taking little bites out of me, out of my heart, my strength, my resolve.

We went to the doctors yesterday, just a check up after the d&e, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Just being in the doctors office, standing beside a lady very much pregnant, seeing another girl who is pregnant just clinging to her sonagram chatting with her mom and boyfriend and all the excitement that was pouring out of her. Her excitement over being a mom, and mothers day.

All I could think was... damn it.

(sorry but, we have a full transparency policy here at Chris & Tiffany, plus one.)

This just flat out sucks.
Mother's day and I have had a tricky relationship. Mother's day of 09 I found out I was pregnant for the first time only to miscarry a few weeks later, and this year I miscarried only a few weeks ago. Naturally its kind of an emotional roller coaster around here during Mother's Day. Here I am, longing to be a mommy again, longing for that little one that I thought was going to added to our family, and its mother's day. It feels like every mother day's commercial, plans, questions, anything just bites at my heart. Tiny little bits that just sting. It's really hard, one part of my heart is totally over joyed to be a mommy, that I have Holden, while another part of me morns the two babies we lost. Its just a stock pile of sadness around this time. It's hard trying to find a balance: How do I rejoice in being a mom, and find peace in lost all at the same time?

I believe with every part of who I am that everything in time is used for a purpose by God. If I one day get to be a shoulder for someone to cry on, if something I write makes it easier for some one, if it just makes me love harder, what ever it may be I can do this for what ever purpose God has in mind. Not that I believe that God took my child, that God did this.
I believe that we live in a fallen world, that bad things happen to good people because of the sin that lives here. I believe that God is bigger than that and uses that sin, that hurt, that pain for good.


So I'll cling to God. I'll crank up the worship music, paint and cry into my coffee cup when needed. I'll sing off key at the top of my lungs. I'll laugh at Holden, and cry over my babies. I'll pray, oh man will I pray. I'll hold on to every word that God gives me. I'll have verses written on every mirror I own. I'll fight through this and it will be okay. I will rejoice over my dear friends that are pregnant now and shower them with as much love as I can.

I am truly beyond happy for ya'll please, don't let anything steal your joy with your pregnancy especially anything thoughts/worries about me. I love all of you and totally stand joyfully with all of you!

Come Mother's day I'm going to stand before our church, God, and with my family as a mommy of 3 and dedicate them to God, knowing that 2 of them were really good listeners.

But Jesus said, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children." Matthew 19:14