I've been morning seasons.
No, not the changing of weather, but the seasons in life from our past.
Seasons where Saturday mornings where for sleeping in, income was "disposable", and life was centered around serving. The season when our house was clean. When we were so busy with dinners, nights out with friends, and being able to just up and go just because we could. The pre-little people season. I'm not wishing away my kids or not beyond grateful for all these messy little faces. But there was something sweet about that season of being child free.
The problem with day dreaming about past season is your current season begins to loss its sparkle.
Could of, would of, should of's, choke our joys. It makes trying to count all things as joys harder. We start to compare of past season with current season. Past season that all we remember are the pretty moments, not the hard ones. Past season are beautiful because we see them through hindsight.
I can't help but wonder, in hindsight, what will I see as beautiful in this season? What moments that take me to a break point, will be moments that I think back on with tears of joy or longing?
It is hard for me in sleep deprivation, toddler battles, and screaming kids to count joys. It just is. I've tried counting gifts, smiling through clenched teeth while cleaning poop off the floor (sorry tmi), or telling my self its so joyfully to break up another toddler fist fight. It just doesn't stick.
But what I can do, while my mind starts back peddling to times of silence, is remembered the answered prayers.
Remember the prayers for children, while being told I would have none.
The 24 hour a day prayers that my little guy would live.
I can remember the prayers for messy houses (yes I prayed for that), and a family.
I can joyfully count all the ways God showed up and realize this season, is a gift I begged for.