All In The Family

I normally don't blog based on things that happen in the news. I don't like to get into the hype of things. There has been plenty of times that I have be fired up about something, sadden by something, or just had a general though of the daily news, I just chose to keep my two cents in.

Until now....

I'm not angry, so this wont be a rant. There was just something I read that made me think. Think about my family. Our die hard dedication to each other, and how we have chosen to show it.

Now I don't know what your stance is on tattoos, but the other day when I read how Obama said he would get a "family" tattoo more too embarrass his daughters if they ever got one, It made me think of my brothers, my dad, my family.

See we have those matching tattoos.

Out of a hard time we chose to show support to each other in the most permanent way we could.
We rallied,
We showed love,
Support,
We chose each other.


So yes, I get looks. I get people asking me if my tattoo was "pre Jesus".((It's hasn't even been a year))
I have people ask about my "party" days. I have people ask if I regret getting it.
The answer is always no.
I will never regret standing with my family, I will never regret showing off what God has done.




I will always be the mom with the arm tattoo.

I will also be the mom proudly taking their child to get one too, if they ever want one.

How about we just get a little more open and a little less, judgy.

Baby of Mine

Have you ever had a photo bite you, like knock the wind out of you?
That happen to me, with this photo.

march 2011

There's my little baby Holden, not even a year old but already a big brother. There's my little baby, frozen in black and white.

My little baby that never came to be.
My little baby that I lost a week later. 

When we lost this little person, our second lost, I thought I got rid of every photo, the actual ultra sound, everything that could make me remember.

I didn't want to remember, to remember the shock when I found out we were going to become a family of four.

I didn't want to remember calling family and friends.

I didn't want to remember that ob appointment. The one when they couldn't find a heart beat right away. The one when they tried to tell me it was okay, but I knew. The one when the image of my baby, frozen in time, was glaring from a screen.

I didn't want to remember the feeling of knowing I had lost my baby two weeks before.

I didn't want to remember the life that slipped through my fingers.

I didn't want to remember how desperately I thought that little one was my daughter. How it felt to loss my chance for pink tutus, sparkly shoes, and hair bows.

Honestly, some days I still don't want to remember. It still hurts, not in such a cutting way, but in an aching kind of way. There are some days that the memories knock my breath from my chest. The days that my eyes fill up to the breaking point.

Those are the days, that I thought wouldn't be around still.

Those are the days that I think will be around forever.

Baby Dolls and Things

When I was little all I ever wanted was to be a mom. To have little people to take care of, teach and love on. I loved to pretend to cook dinner, rock baby dolls (or a dog) and home school.

Now...
Those things make me break out in cold sweats.
Babies don't rock to sleep easily, cooking dinner leads to burning dinner (and a lot of dishes) and home school? Really I have a two year old, home school always leads to picking crayons off the floor.
Some where between toy baby bottles with never ending milk, and 4 am feedings, I realize nothing was like I thought it would be.

Parenting, as it turns out, isn't about cute clothes and sleeping babies (a baby sleeping? Ha that's funny).
Its about humanity. Its about teaching this next generation.

Teaching them manners, respect, love, compassion, hard work, dedication, to love the Lord, and how to take a sabbath.

Teaching them how to laugh, play, not take them selves to seriously, to tithe, save, bless others,
and that they are sinning little people covered in Gods grace. That it is perfectly ok not to be perfect.

Teaching them that in the dirty, the gloomy, the hard, they find God's glory. Teaching them, life can hurt and God is always there to fix it.

Now that's parenting, not flipping a plastic egg that never breaks.

Adventure

This summer has been a crazy adventure. From trying to find my voice, embracing truth, and learning to parent two kids, things have flown by very quickly.

It's been a season of breaking out of my own shell and really claiming my life. For years I was to scared, shy, or felt unworthy to say certain things. I blogged but didn't tell others. I created but hide those things from friends. All the while scared of showing those things and being rejected.

This summer a beautiful thing happened. I started down a road of liking who I am. That's hard for me. The people pleaser in me has had a rough time this summer. That person, who did what ever she was asked, has had to take a back seat. It's been painful. Slowly watching things that were my identity stripped away. It leaves a person very raw, open and exposed.

Which lead me to this- The blank canvas tour. See these amazing bloggers, Tico & Tina have been traveling all over the country interviewing people. People like me that need some hope, some love, some push to follow their dream.

It's was fun, scary, and honestly pushed me just having them here. I'm oh so awkward around people I don't know. Heck I'm awkward around people I do know. Opening your home to four people and two little people that you don't really know can be scary. So scary that I fought my self at least four times, from just canceling the whole thing.

I'm so glad I didn't. See I watched my video today, and it was just what I needed to hear. One of this out of body "self" conversations. After a summer of peeling away, learning about who I am, it's now fall and it's time to walk in that. I just have to remember her....

So here are the videos.

Baby Man

Baby man, I can't believe you are a year old! It almost feels like some one is lying to me. That there is no way possible that the little tiny bundle of you that was the biggest source of snuggles, is now walking around yell for "Dada" when "Mama" doesn't give you your way.

You were so tiny, so perfect, so mesmerizing. I couldn't take my eyes off of you, and there was no way you were being any where else but in my arms. You were (and always will be) MY baby first. But, you keep growing. No matter how hard I wish I could freeze time and just hold on to you a little longer, snuggle a little deeper, smell the sweet scent of your newborn little head, you grew and grew. You've gone from just staring at me to making me laugh harder than I have ever laugh!

The little personality that God has blessed you with is in it's self a miracle. Yes, you fuss, yes you test us, and yes you are really good at throwing a nice size fit! But, your heart is priceless. When I cry you crawl in to my lap, place both hand on my face and smile. This adorable little smile that says so much.

You LOVE to make people laugh, and boy do they laugh! I love when we stroll around a store and you sit there backwards in the seat, and wave and say hi to every person that passes. I love that when they don't acknowledge you, you don't give up! You've said hi to a lady on the phone so many times she stopped her conversation to "say hi to this little boy that is trying so hard!". I love watching you interact with the rest of the world!

Baby man, your a year old. Your little light has only shine for 12 months and wow, what an impact you have made not only on our lives but so many others! I pray you always want to make others smile and laugh. I pray you always show that compassion that is already such a part of who you are. I pray that you will always know how much you are loved, and how beyond proud I am of the amazing baby man you are! I can now say I can't wait to see what you do in life.

I love you baby man...

Dear Lady

Dear Lady,

Please don't sell your self so short. You are an amazing women, a beautiful sister, and worth so much more than you let your self have. Why? Why, not shoot for the moon! God wants so much for you please oh please don't limit yourself. Open your self up to others, we want to show you what love is. We want to be there for you. We want to hold your hand and cry with you. We want to run and laugh with you. We want to believe in you, to be scared of what your scared of and fight that with you.

I know its scary. I know it is so hard to break old habits. I, also know how worth it to let others in. Your life can be so rich, so beautiful with others adding insight. Trust me they have insight. That's the blessing to adding people in your life to love you. God gives them the insight to be there, to help, to talk things out, and to kick you in your pants when you need it.

It is worth it to be open, to take your emotions and break. Breaking is okay. It is okay to take a step back and see that you are being stretched. You are being molded into something beautiful. I know how amazing you are now, I can only imagine how beautiful you are going to be once you let go. Let go of how you think this life should be.

Explore this life, all the ins and outs. Explore what God means to you. Explore your relationship with Him. It's not going to look like mine, its not going to look like anyone else but, yours. Your beautiful, messy, ever changing relationship!! Rock it out!

Don't be scared to want more. You are beautiful. Be strong and have standards. Don't let some one play with your heart. Let love grow organically. It'll be messy, and hard, and scary, but please don't push it. It does not have to be as hard as you make it! The best thing you can ever do is get out of your way. Don't let your ideas of how life should be, stand in the way of what your life CAN be! God has more for you then you can ever hope or imagine. Fall into Him, and let Him show you what that life can be.

Lady, you are loved so much always remember that...

Arrows and Maya Angelou

I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
-Maya Angelou

Over the past few years, I have been really worried (almost obsessive) with what I say. I try very very hard to think about what I am saying and how I think that person will take it. It's hard, very hard at times. With some people I can just easily know and understand how my words effect them, but with others it is really hard.

Its so easy to fall in to bad habits, to be so use to the people in your life and them always being there. How many of us just throw words, actions, and looks around that are hurtful all while believing "they love me, they know I don't mean anything by it."

I'm sorry but, just because they love you doesn't mean they like being hurt.

I'm just as guilty of saying thing in tones, or with attitudes that are hurtful. The funny thing is, most of the time I fling out pain because I was hurt. It becomes: you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you back and lets see who can make the other feel the smallest.

I look at Holden and think, how will my words to him make him feel:

like he can do anything, or like I am totally disappointed in him?
Will he feel like the king of the world, or the beggar on the side of the street?
How will my hurtful words to his dad effect him?

It hurts to think that the words I say not only to Holden but, to Chris can have such a negative impact on my baby man! Not only my words to my family, but my words to this world can mold and shape Holden's view of life!

What does it say to him when I yell at the person that cut us off in the car?
What is it going to teach him when I speak so negativity about people, or things?
Even when I'm "joking" is it funny or hurtful?
Is a joke, a joke, when all it does is cut someone?

Do I want my baby man living in a world where he sees everything in a negative light, or do I want him to love and love hard. Love in a way that people can see the God that loves him? Do I want him to grow into a man that sees hope and good in everyone?

It says that my baby, is my arrow.

Psalm 127:4.

My little blue eyed arrow that I launch in to this world, an arrow that what I do effects the direction he goes! It starts with me and my mouth, my attitude, my heart. What is in your heart is shown by your words.
Matthew 12:34.

So instead of focusing on my words, the result of my heart, I am going to focus on my heart. Focus on the root, the core of everything. Constantly poring good in to my heart. With that goodness, I will be able to pore out good.

today's post comes from a writing prompt over at Moma's Losin' it!

The Pate Family. year in review

Its funny how much really changes in a year.

You know life moves, changes, and totally switches gears on you but, its always still a surprise to sit down at the end of another year and look back.

This time last year, I was a bus.

Or maybe a whale, what ever large thing you want to call me.

As I was contemplating last year the possibility of me popping at the seams, I would have never

thought that I would no longer be in Charleston. I would have never pictured how big Holden now is, how quickly the time has flown. Most of all I would have never thought that all the idea I had on how this year was "suppose" to go would have never happen.

Funny how that works out huh?

I would have never thought we were going to spend the

last night of 2010 in the ER with the baby man.

Its been a crazy, crazy, busy year!

Which has totally flown by!

But, honestly looking back even when I didn't think I did, I was loving every min of it.

Pate family year the highlights.

Hello Blog!

Bye bye, mommy blog. You've been good to me!

Yes, I'm done with the mommy blogging. I'm just going back to blogging.

See I love blogging I love sharing, but I've put to much pressure on my self to be a "mommy blogger". I just want to be a blogger. Yes, I'm a mom, yes I blog but, I don't want to be labeled a "mommy blogger".

So Mommafesto, has to go.

plus the name is too close to another blog I follow and its starting to bother me.

I'm going back to my old blog, the blog I created when Chris and I got married, the blog that I loved and worked so hard on and for some reason totally left when I had Holden.

Why did I leave?

Because I had lost my mommy mind!

I thought that I had to become the "mommy" I had in my mind. Not just add Holden to our lives. I centered our lives around Holden.

I'm now exhausted, and ready to cut the mommafesto strings.

So bye bye mommafesto, I'm going back to my old home.

Yes, I will still be blogging about Holden, life, and random thoughts.

Just not all "momma" crazy!

What a sweet ride its been.

Blogger just re-designed how you can set up your blog. Very exciting for me, since I bore easily at the sight of my blog. After playing a little with it I decided to stroll down memory lane and read some of my past blogs. Yes, some made me laugh, some cry, and some well some made me want to smack my self for the horrible grammar/spelling etc ( I mean really did I EVER use spell check?).

One made me want to smack my self for a totally different reason. I wrote it at the start of 09 a simple little prayer (seen here) for what I wanted. Ever heard "be careful what you pray for". Yea, I wasn't very careful. I thought I could be bold and really push myself. Ever learn the hard way that you don't always have to be the one pushing your self. How about praying that God pushes you, for a whole year?

Starting to see that yup, the Man answers prayers.

Between flooding homes, stretched finances, job changes and losses, leading small groups (that some what in my eyes bombed), heart aches and full on heart breaks, moving and moving again, 09 was one heck of a year. I never thought some ones life could change so much so fast.

I started 09 off as a newlywed living in her mother-in-laws home in Charleston.
Now I'm a mommy with my own home in Charlotte.

But, so much more than just my location has changed. My heart has changed. I can see Him moving so clearly, I might not always see Him but, I know He's doing something. I know I can with stand so much because God is my strength. I wanted to make more room in me for Him. I think in a small way we did that. We as in God, I was just more or less along for the ride.

bringing it home

I'm starting to realize that this mommy thing is a bit harder than it looks.
Now, I was a nanny for years and totally loved it! I love taking care of kids, and babies. I love all things home bound. So I learned before I had my baby, how to manage time, juggle kids, cleaning, and a little down time. All things I've been doing now being at home.

You know being a good mommy.

Yea, I was a little off.

See yesterday morning I was reading proverbs 14, and the first verse in that chapter jumped out at me.

The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Honestly I skimmed over it and just kept reading. But, I just had this tugging, pulling me back to that verse. I didn't get it. I do build my house. I put up pictures (or tell Chris where to put them), I do laundry, I cook, I do dishes, I decorate. I build my house. I spent all day yesterday desperately trying to figure out why on earth that hit me so hard.
Now I get it.
I'm good, if not great at building my home. My worldly, drop by and see how clean it is home. But, what about my Godly home?
What am I doing to build into that?
What am I doing in building that in my son, in my husband, in my marriage?

Yea, you guess it. Not too much.

I know my son is young, way to young to understand anything that comes out of my mouth. But, who says the only way to teach is by my voice. Are my actions reflective of God and His love, His glory. Honestly, not so much. I also know that he's too small to even know what my actions mean. He just not is starting to recognize me. So why worry. I have time right?

I don't think so.
Right now is the time for me to get my act together, before he gets old enough to watch mommy curse when she stubs her toe. Right now is time for me to practice joyfully doing laundry.
(so much hard than you would think!)
Now is the time for me to step it up and learn how to be the wife and mom, Chris and Holden needs and deserves. Running around trying to clean up really fast before Chris gets home so it looks like I've done something with my day (yes I do this) is not okay. Is that what I would want? It says to do all things as you are doing them for Christ. Is that what any of them deserve? Do I have that little love towards them that its okay for them to get half of my potential?
I have a given time here on this earth, what am I wasting it on?
Facebook? Really, is it so important?

Its time for me to step it up, take it back to basics. Its time I start actively participate in my life again. Its time for me to start giving my all in every thing I'm doing!
100% all of me, even in cleaning up spit up!

Walking Shoes

wizzzzz, hear that?

Yup that was the past year!

Mothers day this year had me walking down memory lane. Now I know that normally the holiday that gets people to put on their walking shoe's is new years, but mothers day was a big deal for me last year (even bigger this year). See last year I got the biggest surprise of my life. Last year, I found out I was going to be a mom, on mothers day.

Oh the irony.
Oh the joy & surprise.

I was told two years before that I wasn't going to be able to have children. So imagine my shock and excitement when two lines showed up on the little stick (and again and again, yes three test were taken in all.) I was glowing, floating, totally on cloud nine. Until two weeks later I had a miscarriage. I vividly remember thinking that I didn't want to go through this mothers day. Odd thought I know, but at that moment I was dreading it more than anything.

Its crazy how that one though just kept popping up all last week. How could I have really been dreading this. I started believing that if I could just get to the baby dedication and replace that memory with something else everything would be okay. Everything would be that way it was suppose to be. But, I was wrong. So wrong. It wasn't about replacing the memory. I will always remember that child and love that child. It was about celebrating the blessing that God had given me, twice. I'm a mom. The one thing I've always wanted to be, and I am. All because God has blessed me with the most amazing job ever!

Oh what a difference a year makes.
What a difference a God makes.

At first I though I was doing good with all of it because I have my wonderful little boy. But, I realized that as much as I love my son, he's not what kept me from falling to pieces. It was God, God showing me that I didn't need anything or anyone but, Him. I was able to remember that little baby, and hold my son in my arms and smile. He has placed some amazing, wonderfully, loving and caring people in my life. People that have help strengthen me, heal me and watched (and watered) me grow. They added hope and light into my year and for that I will always be beyond thankful for! I know they were my angels, my blessings, they were used by God.

I am blessed because I am HIS daughter. Everything else is just a little extra icing on the cake!

Wow

So this has been my life the past month. First, on August first Chris and I got married. I was beautiful, wonderful and just what I thought it would be. I was just so reaffirming how much I love we have for each other, and how amazing our friends truly are. Everyone helped so much that I dont know how I would have ever done this with out them! I just want to thank them all.
Abbi- Thank you for making me breath! For taking charge and doing everything that you did.
Ashley-Um.. the cupcakes yum. You and the florist, I'm so mad I missed that! Everything else, to busting your butt keeping me sane, and housing me, you are amazing.
Abbey-Thank you for wearing flip flops! For making my flowers! For just getting there when I was freaking out!!
Mary-Thank you for giving us such a beautiful location to have our wedding.
Aubrey-For making me laugh! Keeping my spirits high and happy.
Alyssa-Thank you for being the most amazing sister on the planet! Thank you for saving my life for being my rock. For showing me to go after my dreams and not fear!

So that's about it for mine! Its been crazy because the following weekend we drove down to florida for Mr. Brad Brandons wedding! Which was beautiful! Its great to see how different every wedding can be! How much of a couple really get put into it! Brad and Natys vows fit them perfectly. You could see God in there wedding. Not that He wasnt in mine but, the way that God works for them, was in their wedding. They live out loud, they live in a way that is radical for Christ and you could see that! It was so different than mine and Chris'. It was beautiful and tropical and full of passion and love!

Then, we had Frank & Abbey's which is just so tradition and beautiful. You could see how much their families ment to them. Everything from the bridal party to the veil was full of their love of their families. You could really see it as two familes joining together for a life time. I cried! Alot! A ton acutally.

So, exhaustion would be a great way of putting how I'm feeling right now! Exhausted but, so happy and blessed to be able to be apart of all of this change! To be able to see how much God has been and will be working in all of these marriages! I love my friends! I love my life! I love my husband!