When Mother's Day Hurts

This week is always hard, and I know I'm not the only one that finds Mothers Day, painful. 

For me, it's a reminder of years ago when I discovered I was pregnant for the first time. Only to miscarry a few weeks later.

Every year, it happens the same way. I start of strong, few weeks before, knowing it will be okay. No matter what I do, Mothers Day is going to roll around and I wont know how I will react to it till it happens. Then the pit in my stomach starts to grow, I get weepy, quite, and then I hide. 

Every year all I want to do is hide. 

I want to bury my head in the sand, stick my fingers in my ears and yell "la la la la" till it is all over. 

Now, I know how incredibly blessed I am with my little people. I know how much other peoples hearts are breaking, too. That make's my heart break even more.

Mothers that morn never being able to get pregnant.

Mothers waiting for LOA's.
Mothers that gave their child the biggest gift they could by letting them go. 

Mothers who are walking into this weekend for the first time, after losing a child.

Children who are morning their Mothers. 

See this time of year, hurts a lot of us. Many of us cant express the pain that comes with this weekend. Many of us don't know where to start, fearful of not being understood, or get blind sided by the emotions that Mothers Day brings. 

There's hope. Oh there is so much hope, I'm just finding. 

The other day, a friend and I were chatting back and forth and reminded me of the verse. 

I will be the first to admit, I have STRUGGLED with this verse for years. I always read "hiding" as a negative act.

Hiding = being scared, and not going after life. Not facing things head on.

That wasn't how I wanted to live my life. I wanted freedom, and freedom doesn't come with fear. 

Neither does hiding. Hiding in Christ is safe, its letting Him fight your battles, wipe your tears, and understand the word of your heart that your mouth can't form. 

2 Corinthians say "My grace is all you need, my power works best in weakness". I can go into this weekend, hiding, and be okay this time. Not hiding in my own power, my own fears, my own pain. I can go in hiding in His Grace, His love, His power. That is more sustaining then anything I can ever do on my own.

So yes, I might cry. 

I might morn. 

Morn both of the babies we lost, morn that life doesn't look the way I expected.

But, I will hide in His grace, and wait. 

Wait to see His power, His love, and that comfort that passes all understand.

Disillusioned Mom

Somewhere between the first pregnancy and the third child, I lost her. That mom, the mom that I always wanted to be, the mom I always thought I would be, the mom that I wasn't. At some point the dirty diapers, the whining children, and the never ending sink of dishes, I broke.

Now I'm not trying to make this a poor pitiful whinny mom post, nor am I not grateful for my kids. I adore them all, but I don't like who I have become. The frazzled, overwhelmed, exhausted mom, parenting out of those ugly moments. I don't want to parent like this anymore. I don't want frazzled to be our normal. I want love, compassion, joy to be our center. So I'm starting an experiment. To get back to the parent I wanted to be, the wife I wanted to be, the example of Christ I want to be for my children. 

Months ago, for my birthday, a friend of mine asked a simple question: What did the holy spirit want to give me. Honestly, I looked at her a little crossed eyed. I tend to shy away from the overly "christianiness", and the words 'holy spirit' invokes childhood memories of well mean church ladies and their "creepy" spiritual "gifts" and non biblical doctrine. Then she started to explain how her mom had asked her the same thing and how getting away for a bit, praying for a word for the up coming year, and how it has changed her birthdays from there on out.  So I tried it, prayed, and got the word preparation. Which made sense because we were about to start the adoption process, until we found out I was pregnant a week later.... Preparation was right, just not what I thought we were preparing for!

As this year started, I asked what word would be given for this year. A simple word popped in my head while I was journaling that morning. Restoration.

I'm starting an experiment in restoration.
Restoring our hopes and dreams. 

Restoring joy into motherhood.

Restoring our lives back to center. Over the next month I'll be removing distractions in hopes of restoring 'that mom'. Getting back that mom I wanted to be. I'm not talking about the perfect Pinterest wife and mother. I'm not talking about some unrealistic expectation of what motherhood should look like. Motherhood is messy. motherhood is hard. But motherhood is the role I have been given, and I can make it look how I feel like it should.

This first week I'm concentrating on restoring our normal. Our normal been so thrown off with my bipolar and the new baby that there is no structure, there is no schedule, there is no routine in our lives. Actually, not healthy routines. Routines the key. Routines create the fabric of our family's identity. A family identity that I want to keep strong. Family identity that day-to-day moment to moment I am responsible for upholding and putting into play. 

I'm excited to see where this goes. I'm hopeful knowing that the God of all things, the God that restores, is speaking in our family now. Speaking life in a way that I not wanted to listen before. Let see where this fun little growth opportunity goes.