Somewhere between the first pregnancy and the third child, I lost her. That mom, the mom that I always wanted to be, the mom I always thought I would be, the mom that I wasn't. At some point the dirty diapers, the whining children, and the never ending sink of dishes, I broke.
Now I'm not trying to make this a poor pitiful whinny mom post, nor am I not grateful for my kids. I adore them all, but I don't like who I have become. The frazzled, overwhelmed, exhausted mom, parenting out of those ugly moments. I don't want to parent like this anymore. I don't want frazzled to be our normal. I want love, compassion, joy to be our center. So I'm starting an experiment. To get back to the parent I wanted to be, the wife I wanted to be, the example of Christ I want to be for my children.
Months ago, for my birthday, a friend of mine asked a simple question: What did the holy spirit want to give me. Honestly, I looked at her a little crossed eyed. I tend to shy away from the overly "christianiness", and the words 'holy spirit' invokes childhood memories of well mean church ladies and their "creepy" spiritual "gifts" and non biblical doctrine. Then she started to explain how her mom had asked her the same thing and how getting away for a bit, praying for a word for the up coming year, and how it has changed her birthdays from there on out. So I tried it, prayed, and got the word preparation. Which made sense because we were about to start the adoption process, until we found out I was pregnant a week later.... Preparation was right, just not what I thought we were preparing for!
As this year started, I asked what word would be given for this year. A simple word popped in my head while I was journaling that morning. Restoration.
Restoring our hopes and dreams.
Restoring joy into motherhood.
Restoring our lives back to center. Over the next month I'll be removing distractions in hopes of restoring 'that mom'. Getting back that mom I wanted to be. I'm not talking about the perfect Pinterest wife and mother. I'm not talking about some unrealistic expectation of what motherhood should look like. Motherhood is messy. motherhood is hard. But motherhood is the role I have been given, and I can make it look how I feel like it should.
This first week I'm concentrating on restoring our normal. Our normal been so thrown off with my bipolar and the new baby that there is no structure, there is no schedule, there is no routine in our lives. Actually, not healthy routines. Routines the key. Routines create the fabric of our family's identity. A family identity that I want to keep strong. Family identity that day-to-day moment to moment I am responsible for upholding and putting into play.
I'm excited to see where this goes. I'm hopeful knowing that the God of all things, the God that restores, is speaking in our family now. Speaking life in a way that I not wanted to listen before. Let see where this fun little growth opportunity goes.
Your word "restoration" and the need for it, reminded me of Psalms 51:12
ReplyDeleteRestore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
Isn't that what we all need, the joy of our salvation to be restored?
Afterall, motherhood is a gift from God, It IS part of the blessing that should come with our Salvation and somehow we lose that joy. I've been there way more than I care to admit.
I'm convinced when when the joy of our salvation is restored, our joy in so many other parts of our lives are restored. I was thinking on this today actually...All the pieces of our life stem from who we are in Christ and our joy found in that. If we lose that, we can basically lose it all.
This is my prayer too. Restoration...