My boys don't like to listen. It is almost a gift, a talent, in toning me out. They climb all over furniture, wrestle, fight, and other wise act like little boys. Every time words leave my mouth, it is ignored. It takes time after time after time, before one or two things happen. Either they listen and finally stop, or they get hurt, like I knew they would.
Then today, I realized I'm just like my boys.
I don't listen, I don't listen well at all.
I always learn lessons the hard way, it takes pain, stress and heartache.
Kind of like now.
Over the past month, or year, I have felt like I needed to stop. Stop being to busy, stop saying yes, stop striving. Take some things off my plate and give my self room. After I had Guy I crashed, crashed hard. Between postpartum, being put on the wrong medication and my bi-polar hitting all new level of scary, I need to pull back and get healthy. But, I couldn't. I kept pushing.
Pushing out of fear.
What if I stop writing, would anyone listen again?
What if I stop shut down my shop, what would happen to our finances?
Where would we get the money for bills, for diapers?
Why can't I just "buck up" and push through?
Other women, moms can have thriving business why cant I?
This morning it hit me. Not like my yelling at the boys, more like washed over me. Like those moments that I sit down on their level, grab their little faces in my hands, telling them to stop.
They love the Lord’s teachings,
and they think about those teachings day and night.
and they think about those teachings day and night.
They are strong, like a tree planted by a river.
The tree produces fruit in season,
and its leaves don’t die.
Everything they do will succeed. Psalm 1:2-3
The tree produces fruit in season,
and its leaves don’t die.
Everything they do will succeed. Psalm 1:2-3
God grabbed my face this morning. Pulling me up on the couch beside him and whispered, Stop.
Stop, because it's not my season. It doesn't say the tree produces fruit constantly, it says in season. This is my season of nesting, of healing. Those are my fruits for this season. Not the fruits I was trying to force, but fruits that come from Him. I have to have faith that the fruits God wants to birth in me are more then the fruits I have been trying to create.
I don't know what this is going to look like, if I will be bring my shop back. There is so much my heart that breaks for this. I have had such a huge plan for my little shop, but I have to give those plans up. I know that His plans are bigger then mine, so here we go. Lets see what God is going to bring into my nest, since I'm cleaning out all the junk that I brought in here.
I'm so glad to read you allowed God to lead you to the couch for a heart-to-heart. I know there are many times I just can't even begin to hear Him because I am took busy talking about how I can do it all myself even though I am not feeling good about any of it. Always remember Mary and Martha, I tell myself. :~)
ReplyDeleteSo glad to find you in #31Days Personal Endeavors Category. I'm #148 if you would like to visit!
So, I found this linked up on the Nesters blog and then it hit me...I know her! That's my IG friend! And I had to tell you how much this resonated with me. I cried on the phone to a friend the other day that I felt like my capacity had taken a nose dive since our miscarriage a month ago and she was quick to remind me that I wasn't holed up, wallowing in an unhealthy way and that it took a lot out of me...emotionally, physically. It doesn't sound like that's what you're doing either. It's ok. We need time. I don't know where the pressure to do, do, do comes from, but you're right...the tree bears fruit "in it's season." Not "in all seasons." Thanks for that reminder. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. The truth is just oozing in your words. Thank you for your honesty, your humility and your willingness to share.
ReplyDeleteHi friend! I totally know what you mean, after both of our miscarriages it took a lot out of me. But, looking back at it, I dont think that it took alot out of me but more I needed to take alot of Him in and that needed to be the priority. Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteMary/ Martha is always my struggle too! Glad you came over!
ReplyDelete