When my nesting started I sat down to make my list. The list of all the things I wanted to get done before baby girl pate make her big debut. Things to clean out, wash, make, move, things that seemed so important right now. Things that in the long run wont matter so much. So what if I don't wash every persons clothing in baby laundry detergent? What if the blanket I've been working on isn't finished by the time shes here? Or if kids clothes aren't labeled, organized and boxed away according to color and size (really I'm not joking that's on the list).
This sense of nesting feels like it comes deep from in my heart. It's like all I want is for baby girl to pate to come into this home and feel loved. Feel like she is part of this family, a welcomed huge part. I want her to know and feel she is a part of my heart. A list of items to clean isn't going to do that.
Opening my heart is the only thing that will.
See I have a secret. I'm scared of this girl mom thing.
It feels like I am going to break this little girl. That so much of who she is, is going to be on my shoulders. From the way she looks at her self, to how she looks at others. If she holds her head high, or hides around the outskirts of life.
I feel like so much of the responsibility of her, as a whole, is on me.
I know I'm going to fail, because I fail at these things.
I say awful things to my self, hide in the maybes of life and wait for everything to fall around me.
So I am going to nest into the promises that I know in my heart.
I am not enough, but He is.
I am going to fail, but He wont.
I might hurt her, but He will heal her.
I might love her with all my soul, but He loves her more.
He loves us both and is bigger than my failures.
That is what I have to nest in.
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