It starts with a simple feeling, longing. Longing for the babies we lost. Then it stirs, grows, spreads, into thoughts. How old would those babies be? Would they look like H or G? Are they mommy's boy's or daddy's little girls? The longing to know them folds into wishes. Wishes to see their faces, know their hearts, have them here, listening to them breath as they sleep.
But, those wishes turn into guilt. A raging nauseous kind of guilt. If those babies where here, H & G wouldn't be here.
My baby man with all the personality a two year old can hold, would be gone.
My little guy with the biggest smile, wouldn't be asleep in the next room.
That is were the tearing comes. It tears at the heart. To long for one child knowing that by some crazy stretch of the imagination if that wish came true, your children would be gone. Sometimes it feels like a choice must be made, the two here, or the two there...
I am learning to fight that guilt.
It's a never ending battle with more ups and downs then I thought possible. The ups are beautifully filled with thoughts of my babies dancing in heaven, worshiping and being loved so purely. Those babies that will never suffer a broken heart, disappointment's, or the enemies lies. Those precious babies living in pure love. The downs on the other hand are ugly. Those are the moments where you sit in the bathtub and sob, with the water running so no one can hear. Your arms ache to hold that child, ache with a pain that doesn't stop. The downs hurt, the downs hold the worst kind of mommy guilt. The downs are when I run to what I know to be truth.
That God loves my children more than I ever could. Guilt doesn't come from Him, so it should not have a place in my heart. This guilt is a battle, but with God for me no one can stand against me, this guilt wont win. So, I climb. Climb back on top of the mountain, climb up and stay in the thoughts of my dancing children, thoughts of one day holding all my babies at the same time. Those are the only thoughts I want.
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