4TH & 3rd with a min left

Its the fourth quarter a min left on the clock and I crumbled. Yes, crumbled today in a big heap of mommy doubt and self loathing. Chris and I decied before there was an once of red or green in any store that this Christmas was going to be different. Holden was going to get something small and meaningful from us (he has enough toys and grandparents for that fact!) That we were not going to get all wrapped up in the craziness of shopping, buying, putting our selves in to crazy amounts of debt all to get "that" gift. I have to say, we've done really well and really had a blast spending time as a family, pouring into each other, creating new family traditions and cutting some others. (fyi, using metal cookie cutters to pour pancake batter in to make cute little Christmas pancakes, total pintrest fail!)

Until today. I don't know what it was, watching yet another Santa movie, seeing tweets about others gift wrapping I'm not sure but I lost it. I lost focus, I lost the ability not to cry, I lost the joy I had all season long. The thoughts started rolling in like an emotional under toe just pulling me straight down.

"How could you not have stacks of toys for Holden?"
"This person got you a present, why didn't you think of getting them something"
"Do you not care about anyone else?"
"You don't even have anything to put in the stockings"
"You forgot to light your advent candle Sunday."
"There's not even a single Christmas cookie in your house!"

I know I do I great job of beating my self up.

I crumbled so badly, Chris called me from work to see if I was "okay".

The funny thing is. Now I don't know why I was so upset. We have more than enough food on the table, clothes to wear, gas in the car, the bills are paid (with out late fees! WOOT!) and we even tithed, and there is still money in the account, more than enough, but some how I was sitting here on my Iphone freaking out because I didn't get Holden this airplane toy.

btw, let me just mention I live on the second floor of a two bedroom condo with another baby on the way, this wouldn't have worked anyways!

It hit me, I've given Holden more family time then he knows what to do with! He's finally sleeping through the night, he knows his parents love him and more importantly loves each other. He is a happy content little boy that can now say "Guy" "Tree" "Joe" "Santa" and "Snowman". He gives his baby brother kisses and high fives, so what if he doesn't have a molded peace of plastic that looks like a puppet that some one makes a living sticking his hand up his butt.

So I'll wrap up the "special book" for Christmas morning, his new veggie tales movie, and drawing pad, Christmas morning will get here and Holden will get up have pancakes, we'll read about Jesus, sing happy birthday and we will play together as a family.

Touchdown!