My head hurts.
Still.
It has been hurting for two days now. I can't figure out why or fix it. I've drank water, I've worked out, I've taken medicine, I've even drank two big ol'glasses of coke hoping the caffeine would help.
Sadly, nothing worked.
Which lead me to my total break down last night.
It was nine o'clock, time for Holden's last bottle, and my head was pounding so bad it was actually effecting my vision. Holden was crying so I went in to go ahead and change him while Chris was making the bottle, he was going to go feed Holden so I could lay down (he's a good hubby like that).
I couldn't give Holden to Chris. It was like everything in me was fighting the thought of handing him over. Not that I didn't think Chris could feed Holden, Chris is amazing with Holden, I just couldn't do it. I was hit with an overwhelming, knee buckling guilt.
Suddenly the thought me laying down was more than I could handle. All these thoughts came flooding in and I just felt so guilty...
Guilty for not being able to nurse.
Guilty that I'm a mom that's my job to nurse.
Guilty that because I can't nurse we now spend close to fifty bucks a week for baby formula.
Guilty that Chris has to work so hard, and I just stay at home with Holden.
Guilty for even thinking about working and having some one else raise my son.
Guilty for wanting so desperately to just go lay down.
Guilty for putting my self before my baby.
Guilty for wanting/needing a break.
Guilty for not being able to do it all.
I cried. Took a deep breath and handed Holden over.
All that guilt gave me a headache.
Girl, i can totally relate! I'm so sorry that you've had so much guilt. I just wanted to tell you that you are doing an awesome job. Holden is obviously thriving on the formula. You are doing what is best for his health and THAT makes you an awesome mommy. You are already putting his own needs before yours. I too struggle all the time with the staying home thing. Brad works his butt off and I feel like I have it so easy. I know though that we are doing what is best for our family though. It's just hard! Sorry, I am probably rambling. Just wanted to offer some encouragement and let you know that I think you are doing wonderful and that you are not alone in your worries.
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