Grateful Sadness

I'm struggling to find a gift today. 

When I rolled (literally rolled, thank you pregnancy) out of bed today I knew it was going to be one if those days. A heavy day, a day where I was gonna have to fight to be present. Fight to find a little joy.

The hardest part of this life, this bi polar up and down life, is knowing the downs are coming. Like clock work I can tell you one is coming. I can feel it, so mornings are spent slowly cracking one eye open and waiting to see. Is today it? Is today the down? This dance goes on for a few days, till the down hits. 

Sometimes it's almost a relief when it hits. Like the anticipation is finally over. Where the day is a little lonely and sad, but ok. Like a gentle song on a radio, and a cup of hot tea, there's a sadness in the down. Almost a comforting sadness, knowing the high mania, the go go go part of your life has a break. 

For years this sadness has crushed me. It would come on like a storm, rageing, threatening to flood my life. Now I've learned the patterns, fought to keep my head above water. Fought to remember the truths, that this is but a moment. The moment will change, the storm will settle, and life will go on. 

It is exhausting. 

It is hard.

It is maddening.

But it's my life. 

My life that is covered in grace. My life that is held in Gods hands. If my life is manic or sad, it remains safely there. Safely in His promises.

I guess that is my gift for today. The promise that tomorrow will be new and today is still safe, even if it's sad.