TWLOHA

Yesterday

Yesterday was national suicide attempt survivor day. Most people know I follow and support the cause to write love on her arms, they are doing so much in just getting the word out and celebrating people healing and being healed by love! I think its truly amazing!

Any ways back to the whole point. I was reading people stories about there attempts and their surviving, its inspired me to be transparent on things I haven't said in a very long time. When I was in high school I tried multiple times to commit suicide. I couldn't tell you the dates like some others, I really rather not remember what the dates where. All three times it was with pills. I remember just being so sick of everything and so tired of what was going on in my home that I just wanted to sleep. Just sleep and not wake back up. I felt so out of control, so lost, so confused about everything. I saw my family hurting and couldn't do anything to fix it, and me being the oldest, and with the fixer personality that I have, me not being able to fix it was too much for me to bear.

Shortly after my last attempt my sister started to struggle. It was the hardest thing to watch her fight with the same demons I was fighting with. People always have something that made the cycle stop. Mine was her. My sister saved my life. I had something to live for because honestly I was going to damned if anything happened to her! I had to stop looking at my problems and start looking at things that were bigger than just me. I saw that I couldn't fix anything but, in time things would get better.

They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I believe that with every once of me! I know that my sister and I are stronger people because of this. I know that we have a bond that goes a little deeper than just being sisters. I know that she will be there and understand what I'm feeling. Do my demons sometimes jump back up. Yes they do. Do I have to still fight. Yes, I do. But, its worth it because of my sister.

I love you lissy.