That moment

Baby man is 2 1/2. Honestly it freaks me out. I would love to fold him up tuck him away in my pocket, keeping him with me forever.

Yes it's not healthy but whatever, it's the truth.

I cherish that little boy more than anything. Yes I love both of my boys so much, but there's different types of love in different stages of their little lives. Needless to say something in you melts when you hear "love you mommy."

M-e-l-t.

I'm smitten with that little soul. He knows it. So when bedtime rolled around last week and we couldn't find his beloved yellow pacifier I tore the house into pieces. Crawling around on my hands and feet trying to get down to his perspective.

He cried.

I was frantic.

The hubby told me to knock it off. You just have to love words of wisdom.

As much as I love that baby man and wanting to give him everything he wants, that's not always the best for him.

Sometimes what makes him cry, is what needs to happen. There are things that hurt him, that will help him. All I can do is hold him and tell him it will be ok, mommy understands and he will to some day.

As baby man was crying.
I was crying.
He was devastated.
I was trying to tell my self its for the best. All I wanted was baby man to know it was for his own good.
To hold him.

Daughter do you know?
Do you know your tears are seen? That all I want you to know that it will be ok? Do you feel me holding you?

I have to admit, I don't always feel seen. Invisible is the word that always creep in to my soul. I use my friends, family, twitter mentions, blog followers, to pacify that feeling of loneliness. But God is there holding me, loving me, seeing my hurt, and promises in the long run it will be ok.

Do I want to be pacified or do I want real life?

Honestly sometimes I do just want to be pacified. Real life hurts.

For now the yellow pacifier is hidden on my desk. Partly because I can't let go of it, like throwing it away is the end of my baby mans childhood.

A bigger part of me holds on to it as a reminder, not to be okay with being pacified. A reminder of wanting Gods best, not just an easy life.