A Story of Trees & Adoption

There this story, about a little family and some big hurt. A story about lost and finding a cause, its a short story with many facts and fluidity, and finding good in emptiness.

It's our story. My babies story, my little trees story. I've never told the story as a whole, just pieces of pain, numbness, searching for joy or meaning, but this is the whole story.

It was Mother's day 2009, I woke up at 6am stumbled in to the bath room and well, peed on a stick. A stick that popped up with two lines. Seeing two lines will wake you up at 6 am faster than a cup of coffee any day. I literally ran into our room, kicked my husband (really I kicked him, we slept on a mattress on the floor till about um 4 months ago) yelled "I'm pregnant" and ran out the door across the street to the grocery store. That's what you do when your pregnant for the first time. That's what you do when your told you wouldn't be able to get pregnant easily, if at all.

You freak out, kick your husband and run.

... and take 5 test in all.

But two weeks later when your alone laying on your couch crying, bleeding, in pain, all you want is for it to be 6 am on Mothers day again. When your husband goes back to work then comes home after being gone for only a few hours, you cry again. Then you cry hard when he tell you he carved the babies name in a tree. Our baby, our tree baby.

Then two years later you relieve the whole thing again.

This time there were doctors, and test. Nurses trying to find a heart beat, knowing yours stopped three tries ago, because you just know. You've known for a while but couldn't bring your self to believe, because you don't want to believe. Its hard to believe, even when your looking at a ultrasound scream and you see your little person paused in time. Conversations start, D&E, surgery, pills, removal, all conversations that your not ready for. Its like your screaming in your head for every one to shut up but, you can't make it stop.

Another tree...

Two trees.

Some how you try to believe that some where down the line good will come, the pain wont be in vain.

I try to process, you always try to process, but what is there to process? Nothing can be done to change so you deal in any way you can.

I draw.

just a tree, a simple little tree. 

"I carried you in my heart"... because I couldn't carry you in my tummy my little trees.
But goodness came, glory came, my trees reached farther than I could imagine.

The little sketch, my process of healing, became so much more. My trees, my little trees are helping to carry babies home.

If you ever wonder why, why I will do everything I can to donate, fund, be there for adopting families, it for these simple fact.

I know what its like to long, wish and hope for a child. 

I know what its like to beg God for a child.

I know what it is like to have my babies be with someone else, 

being loved by the Perfect love.

I know, that I , I just have to do something.