Little One

I follow this amazing blog, Naptime Diaries (as most of you know!) I get so much encouragement from Jessi, and really feel blessed to know her and her family! Recently Jessi has gone through a miscarriage, but she has been able to celebrate the life of her Arrow.

It made me realize, I've never celebrated the life of my baby. I know I had to chance to be so excited about my child, to plan a nursery, to think of names, but any celebrating ended as soon I we found out we lost our little one. But, I feel that celebrating shouldn't have ended. I feel like there is a way that I can love my child, be joyful that I had that child, no matter how fleeting the moment was. I'm excited at the thought that I will one day see that little one. See the little ones face, hear its voice, feel its arms. That I can hold on too, that I can have joy in, that I can move on with.

I think it's important to go through your grief not just linger in it. Too be able to change your normal. To be able to deal with the different emotions as the come up. Not try to plan out your pain, not to check things off a list and be done. Which is what I've been doing. It's like I've been waiting for some one to tell me that I was done now. That I don't have to be sad anymore. That I can think about having another baby. That it was okay to move on.
I don't want to move on. I want to change, adapt. I want to know the joys of life.

Me at 7 weeks

My dear Little One,
Oh how I love you. I know, I know this isn't the way we thought it would have been, not the way it intended to be at all! I had so many dreams of who you would be, how you would effect and change our lives, how you would make us laugh, and drive your brother nuts!
But, your not here. Those hopes & dreams aren't going to happen that way I thought they would. I won't be picking out pink or blue. Holden wont meet us at the hospital wearing a "i'm the big brother" tee-shirt. We wont have four stockings hanging by the fire place this Christmas. It's all changed. Yet, so much hasn't. I still love you with more of my self than I thought I could. I still am your mommy and I will always be that. You still have a family.

I still have hopes and dreams for you. They just have changed. I dream of the day that I'll see you for the first time. I know in that second, I'll know who you are right then and there. I will get to hug you, see your sweet smile, and just take every ounce of you in. Then I'll take your hand, and might not ever let go.

I love you, my little one.